The Land of Sod

The in-laws have been working on their backyard for quite some time now and I must say, the process is coming along nicely. When they first got their home the backyard had a filthy pool, broken down fence, a rotting tree house, and a slum of an extra room separated from the house.

But if you know Big Poppa (aka, the father-in-law), he enjoys a project of restoration. I certainly don’t because it takes work, and I don’t like to work. Since they bought their home they have filled up the pool because they don’t want grandchildren, current and future, falling in and becoming a headliner in the local paper. They rebuilt the fence, took down the rotting tree house and trimmed the tree, and restored the slum of an extra room separated from the house by remodeling the bathroom, giving it a fresh coat of paint, and new carpet. I now affectionately call it “The Man Room” (aka, Jon’s room).

Not too shabby. There’s heavy rain coming this week so the sod had to be laid down rather quickly before the backyard becomes muddier than NBC and The Tonight Show. The wife kindly says to me, “Honey, my dad needs help laying sod. Do you mind if we help him out this weekend?” I said, “Sure honey, I love back-breaking manual labor and getting completely dirty on my day off.”

To the Land of Sod we go. Now getting up early is not one of my specialties so getting up early on my day off is down right dreadful. Once we got there I didn’t anticipate being in an interactive sitcom.

Big Poppa is a perfectionist and I hear that men are particular about their grass. As it turns out, he shows me the pallet of sod in the front yard and tells me it’s like a “puzzle.” A “puzzle?!” Well I never heard of a puzzle with all of the pieces shaped like rectangles. That’s one boring puzzle. Big Poppa goes on to tell me the proper way of laying sod, “You have to stagger the lines, lift the sod in a particular manner, and each piece needs to go in a certain place.” I say to myself, “Whatever.”

While the rest of the family (Momma, Becky, Jon, and the wife) were working I hear this dialogue in a span of 47 seconds:

Big P: “Honey, turn the plant the other way so the stick is facing the fence.”
As Momma and Jon roll their eyes they both say, “Okay.”
Big P: “Becky, are you digging that hole too deep?”
Becky: “You just told me to dig a hole, how was I supposed to know how deep the hole needs to be?”
Jon: “How often does Brianna text you Becky?”
Big P: “Becky put the phone down!”
Jon: “Becky, did you tell that A-hole who stood you up off yet?”
Momma to Jon: “Watch your language young man.”
Jon: (rolls his eyes)
Becky answering Jon’s question: “Why would I waste my minutes?”
Big P to Junior: “Could you move the dirt into the front yard?”
Junior: “Can I bury Puggles with the dirt?” (Puggles is grandpa’s annoying little rat-dog nobody likes)
Katie to Big P: “Can we start putting down the grass already?”
Big P: (no response, just a look of deep contemplation)
Junior: “Look, when I roll up a piece of sod it looks like a giant joint.”
Momma: “Did you ever imagine our little girl marrying a man who thinks sod looks like a ‘giant joint?’”
Katie: “Dad! Can we start putting down the grass already?”
Big P: “Hold on I’m thinking.”
Big P to Momma: “Honey, don’t plant that. Let Jon do it or you’ll hurt your back.”
Momma: “Okay I only hurt my back that one time.”
Katie: “But that was the only time you planted anything and you got hurt.”
Jon: “Yeah mom, you’re going to hurt your back.”
Momma: “Nobody lets me do anything around here.”
Jon: “Becky, let me dig this hole.”
Becky: “Can I go donate some blood for the people of Haiti instead of doing this?”
Big P: “Becky, go get us some water.”
Becky: (frustratingly goes and gets us water)
Katie to Big P: “If we could start laying down the sod we could get this done sometime today.”
Big P: (no response, and still with a look of deep contemplation)
Momma: “Junior, none of this better end up in your blog!”

Junior: (Sitting back and enjoying the show)

We can’t lay down the sod until Big Poppa sprays the ground with water and sprinkles some fairy dust on the floor to help the sod grow. As he sprinkles the fairy dust he looks like an elderly person who’s lost his mind feeding pigeons at Central Park.



I was working so hard and fast bringing the sod from the front yard to the backyard the neighbors starting wondering if Big Poppa picked me up in front of Home Depot. As it turns out, Big Poppa ran out of grass and we couldn’t finish the work. Although we got most of the yard done I asked him, “Why didn’t you order more grass?” He replied, “I didn’t want to order too much and waste it.” Growing up in East Los Angeles there are three lessons you automatically learn: (1) how to barbeque carne asada, (2) how to make guacamole, and (3) you can never have too much grass. Let that be a lesson for all of us. Until next time . . .