Ceremonial Travesty

Graduating from college is a great accomplishment. However, graduating ceremonies somehow don’t quite invoke the feeling that something great has happened. Instead, graduation ceremonies usually elicit dread, angst, and an overwhelming feeling of “Lets get this over with” attitude by all parties involved. There’s got to be a better way to do this, right? I know what would fix it. Two words: Open Bar.

Recently I attended the Cal State Fullerton graduation ceremony for my brother-in-law, Jon Davis. Now I’ve been to plenty of GC(s) to know how this is going to play out. Thankfully, CSFU separates academic departments in order to have smaller ceremonies, which is a great idea, because if they hadn’t the entire school we would’ve been there all day, and I would’ve committed a homicide.

I have no idea why GC(s) need to be as long as they are regardless of how many people there are. Why does the staff need to be introduced? It’s great to show them appreciation for educating our students but no one at that particular time cares or will remember. Why do we need the same generic “Go now and change the world with this new found power” speech? During these economic times it should be, “Good luck trying to find a job.”

To keep myself from going completely insane I did two things. First was imagining Dwight Howard in a Lakers’ uniform. Secondly, I decided I was going to log Jon’s GC in this blog. So here we go.

On the drive over the father-in-law (aka The Chief) was driving like he was in the Daytona 500. I still don’t know how he has a better driving record than I do when I never break 40. We arrive at the parking lot and of course we have to walk about 17 blocks to get to the ceremonial site. By now everyone has to use the bathroom and since there are a million people on campus, no sensible college would actually open their real bathrooms to the public. Instead, they had porta potties. Classy.

I tried to handle my business as quickly as possible and held my breath like I was sinking on the Titanic. As I came out, the mother-in-law (aka. The mother-in-law) asked me, “Is it nasty?” I replied, “It’s a porta potty, of course it’s nasty.” At least CSFU was nice enough to also include a portable sink. As you know, though, portable sinks only have a finite amount of water. So guess when it ran out of water? That’s right, when I went to use it. Wonderful.

The family finally finds a nice spot where we can’t see a da** thing. We’re there on time but guess what? That’s right, the GC started late. Not only are they unnecessarily long they also never start on time. In order to pass the time, the family started talking about where to eat afterwards. Apparently, the mother-in-law made reservations at Cheesecake Factory at noon and Taps in Brea at 1:30 in case we missed the noon appointment. Savvy. When the mother-in-law mentioned that the Taps appointment would cost $33 per plate The Chief had a look on his face like someone just took a dump on the hood of his truck. It was priceless. The mother-in-law quickly reminded him that they didn’t pay anything for Jon’s education because of his full-academic scholarship and when Becky graduates they could go to McDonald’s. I thought to myself, “That’s a great way to look at it. When Becky graduates in 2014 I’ll have an excuse to order Chicken McNuggets again.” Maybe by that time they’ll decide to use real chicken. I’m not holding my breath.

As the GC begins, there is always the mention of the rules about how to conduct yourself during the ceremony (e.g., no standing, no running up and down the aisles, no flashing, etc.), which the majority of people decide they’re going to break anyway because . . . well . . . it’s their baby graduating so rules no longer apply to them. The way some parents conduct themselves at GC(s) is worse than a Little League games sometimes. Shortly after, Jon texted us, “Get me the h*ll out of here,” which immediately followed by the chair of the department announcing and acknowledging “Jon Elden Davis III” for receiving a full-academic scholarship (I’m not making this up).

After several hours of announcing name after name after name after name and parents reacting like groupies following a rock band we noticed that we could see the end of the line. I was rooting for the end of the line knowing that it’s a sign of free cheesecake getting closer. Once the last name was announced everyone celebrated like it was 1999. We all thought it was over. Then an administrator asked everyone to sit back down but was taken aback when the reaction was a chorus of boos. I was yelling, “We have reservations!!! What do you think you’re doing!? I want my cheesecake!!!” There were a few parents that gave me the look of death, you know, the same parents that were breaking all the rules of conduct during the ceremony. My wife had to pull me down to sit before they called security. I honesty thought there was going to be a riot. Apparently, the administrator didn’t get the memo that everyone in attendance doesn’t care about 99.9% of everything that goes on. They’re there only for their kid and that’s it. Adding insult to injury, the person reading the final speech couldn’t read English and took an additional 20 minutes. Pure torture.

In conclusion, I’ll never minimize the accomplishment of graduating from college because so few people do it. I wouldn’t have gone to my own GC if my buddy Aaron Brown hadn’t talked me into it. Anyway, congrats to my brother-in-law Jon Davis for finishing his college career. I’m certainly glad that I married into a family that expects nothing less from their children. The Chief was clearly proud but he also had the demeanor that said, “This is just one of many more accomplishments that my son will achieve.” This got me thinking. Maybe I should have higher aspirations for my own future son instead of simply not landing in jail? In any case, we only have one more graduation to attend, which is Becky’s. She’s not due until 2014. By then, hopefully I’ll figure out a way to sneak in alcohol or they’ll just adopt my Open Bar idea.