The Newlywed Panel

My wife and I were recently asked by our friends to be on a “Newlywed Panel” at church for a Q & A for young couples who are either engaged or have been married under two years. I find it absolutely hilarious that anyone would ask any type of input about anything from an idiot like myself. But, as our friends continued to explain, “We need more diversity on the panel,” translation: “We only have white people on the panel because we are a pre-dominantly white church and you’re the only Thai-guy at church who happens to be married.” Okay, that makes more sense to me. My wife and I happily accepted even though being chosen was based on “Affirmative Action.”

The panel is this weekend and we were emailed a list of possible questions that might be asked in order to start thinking about them now. I had no idea they actually wanted us to be thoughtful in our responses. I might not have accepted. In any case, I thought this would be a good idea to answer some of the questions here as I verbally (written) process important aspects of my marriage so far because, you know, I barely made the cut-off of being married for slightly over two years.

Disclaimer: The answers to these questions are unique to that of my wife and I and in no way reflect what needs to be done in all marriages unless otherwise stated.

Questions:
How have you found ways to still make time in your day to be alone with the Lord now that you are sharing a schedule?

It actually hasn’t changed for me because I’ve always read my Bible either in the afternoon (during lunch) or late at night. My wife goes to bed around 7pm (or at least it feels like she does) and gets up at 4am (or at least it feels like it). While she’s asleep I’m wide-awake, and while I’m asleep she’s wide-awake. That actually works out for personal devotional times, although I don’t even try and have conservation with her past 7pm because she’s completely incoherent by then.

Did you minimize your commitments to ministry involvement to spend more time with each other?

I minimized my commitments before I was married. My philosophy of avoiding responsibility hasn’t changed because I got married. Although, strangely, I find myself committed to more things despite my endeavor to avoid it… God’s sovereignty I guess.

What are ways you have found to help foster intimacy and vulnerability in your marriage?

I think my wife is hot. Therefore, I don't need to "foster" intimacy. Vulnerability? Lets move on.

What was the hardest adjustment you each made as you transitioned into married life?

I can’t speak for my wife but the hardest adjustment for me was adopting two dogs I didn’t want and having to continue to pretend I actually like them, which takes a lot of emotional energy.

What is the most unexpected thing you’ve learned since getting married?

Sex isn’t everything. Yes, that was truly unexpected.

What surprised you most about your spouse?

. . . that she actually wanted to marry me.

What is the biggest conflict that you disagree on right now? How have you been working through it?

After the Lakers’ season went up in flames, I went full-bore sackcloth and ashes and mourned for a couple of days. My wife finally said, “Okay, you haven’t talked to me, hugged me, acknowledged me, or helped around the house since the Lakers lost!!! I’m your wife!!! I HATE you!!!” Okay, I made the last sentence up, but still. Now I don’t expect any woman to understand a man’s connection with his team so why bother trying to explain it? It’s just going to make them irate. You simply learn which battles to fight and this wasn’t one of them. I just acknowledged that she was probably right and started pretending that I wasn’t still dying inside and praying to God that we could somehow get Dwight Howard in a trade this summer.

What is a daily/weekly habit that you do together or for each other?

We each have things we do around the house for each other. For example, I mow the lawn, take out the trash, and pick up the dog feces, you know, the dogs that I didn’t want. She cooks, cleans, and runs the dogs. It truly feels like we’re a team simply “doing life” together. She’s the Gasol to my Kobe (except this year, of course).

What is the best advice you could give for the honeymoon?

Sex isn’t everything.

What advice do you have about leaving and cleaving in relation to in-laws?

That would depend on the in-laws. If they are crazy then leavvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve! Don’t look back. They’re only going to suck the life out of you. If they are semi-sane or solid Christians, then drawing from their experience and allowing them to support you would only help you grow as a married couple. My in-laws have been great. They’ve been supportive and have assisted in our transition to married life. Most importantly, they’ve provided cable television.

For the men: What have you learned about what leadership of your wife looks like?

Being in the leadership role comes with it a lot of responsibility. A good husband/leader may look different from person to person but the things that are essential are a strong devotional life with the Lord, relying on prayer, and having godly peers that will keep you accountable. Everything else is just details. And remember, sex isn’t everything.