Ceremonial Travesty

Graduating from college is a great accomplishment. However, graduating ceremonies somehow don’t quite invoke the feeling that something great has happened. Instead, graduation ceremonies usually elicit dread, angst, and an overwhelming feeling of “Lets get this over with” attitude by all parties involved. There’s got to be a better way to do this, right? I know what would fix it. Two words: Open Bar.

Recently I attended the Cal State Fullerton graduation ceremony for my brother-in-law, Jon Davis. Now I’ve been to plenty of GC(s) to know how this is going to play out. Thankfully, CSFU separates academic departments in order to have smaller ceremonies, which is a great idea, because if they hadn’t the entire school we would’ve been there all day, and I would’ve committed a homicide.

I have no idea why GC(s) need to be as long as they are regardless of how many people there are. Why does the staff need to be introduced? It’s great to show them appreciation for educating our students but no one at that particular time cares or will remember. Why do we need the same generic “Go now and change the world with this new found power” speech? During these economic times it should be, “Good luck trying to find a job.”

To keep myself from going completely insane I did two things. First was imagining Dwight Howard in a Lakers’ uniform. Secondly, I decided I was going to log Jon’s GC in this blog. So here we go.

On the drive over the father-in-law (aka The Chief) was driving like he was in the Daytona 500. I still don’t know how he has a better driving record than I do when I never break 40. We arrive at the parking lot and of course we have to walk about 17 blocks to get to the ceremonial site. By now everyone has to use the bathroom and since there are a million people on campus, no sensible college would actually open their real bathrooms to the public. Instead, they had porta potties. Classy.

I tried to handle my business as quickly as possible and held my breath like I was sinking on the Titanic. As I came out, the mother-in-law (aka. The mother-in-law) asked me, “Is it nasty?” I replied, “It’s a porta potty, of course it’s nasty.” At least CSFU was nice enough to also include a portable sink. As you know, though, portable sinks only have a finite amount of water. So guess when it ran out of water? That’s right, when I went to use it. Wonderful.

The family finally finds a nice spot where we can’t see a da** thing. We’re there on time but guess what? That’s right, the GC started late. Not only are they unnecessarily long they also never start on time. In order to pass the time, the family started talking about where to eat afterwards. Apparently, the mother-in-law made reservations at Cheesecake Factory at noon and Taps in Brea at 1:30 in case we missed the noon appointment. Savvy. When the mother-in-law mentioned that the Taps appointment would cost $33 per plate The Chief had a look on his face like someone just took a dump on the hood of his truck. It was priceless. The mother-in-law quickly reminded him that they didn’t pay anything for Jon’s education because of his full-academic scholarship and when Becky graduates they could go to McDonald’s. I thought to myself, “That’s a great way to look at it. When Becky graduates in 2014 I’ll have an excuse to order Chicken McNuggets again.” Maybe by that time they’ll decide to use real chicken. I’m not holding my breath.

As the GC begins, there is always the mention of the rules about how to conduct yourself during the ceremony (e.g., no standing, no running up and down the aisles, no flashing, etc.), which the majority of people decide they’re going to break anyway because . . . well . . . it’s their baby graduating so rules no longer apply to them. The way some parents conduct themselves at GC(s) is worse than a Little League games sometimes. Shortly after, Jon texted us, “Get me the h*ll out of here,” which immediately followed by the chair of the department announcing and acknowledging “Jon Elden Davis III” for receiving a full-academic scholarship (I’m not making this up).

After several hours of announcing name after name after name after name and parents reacting like groupies following a rock band we noticed that we could see the end of the line. I was rooting for the end of the line knowing that it’s a sign of free cheesecake getting closer. Once the last name was announced everyone celebrated like it was 1999. We all thought it was over. Then an administrator asked everyone to sit back down but was taken aback when the reaction was a chorus of boos. I was yelling, “We have reservations!!! What do you think you’re doing!? I want my cheesecake!!!” There were a few parents that gave me the look of death, you know, the same parents that were breaking all the rules of conduct during the ceremony. My wife had to pull me down to sit before they called security. I honesty thought there was going to be a riot. Apparently, the administrator didn’t get the memo that everyone in attendance doesn’t care about 99.9% of everything that goes on. They’re there only for their kid and that’s it. Adding insult to injury, the person reading the final speech couldn’t read English and took an additional 20 minutes. Pure torture.

In conclusion, I’ll never minimize the accomplishment of graduating from college because so few people do it. I wouldn’t have gone to my own GC if my buddy Aaron Brown hadn’t talked me into it. Anyway, congrats to my brother-in-law Jon Davis for finishing his college career. I’m certainly glad that I married into a family that expects nothing less from their children. The Chief was clearly proud but he also had the demeanor that said, “This is just one of many more accomplishments that my son will achieve.” This got me thinking. Maybe I should have higher aspirations for my own future son instead of simply not landing in jail? In any case, we only have one more graduation to attend, which is Becky’s. She’s not due until 2014. By then, hopefully I’ll figure out a way to sneak in alcohol or they’ll just adopt my Open Bar idea.

The Home Stretch

One of the wonderful benefits of being a teacher is being on the academic calendar. There is a clear start and finish to each year and there is something refreshing about that. During this time of year, which I call “the home stretch,” mental and emotional fatigue begins to settle in, and it gets harder and harder to get out of bed every morning. This year in particular, I’ve felt like hitting the wall unlike in years past. I had a co-worker tell me today, “You look woren.” “Is it that obvious?” I replied. I have been trying to medicate myself by adding bacon to every meal.

Maybe it’s working a second job, trying to finish up my teaching credential, studying at UCLA (live campus – I dislike online classes) to get my certificate in financial planning (CFP), helping lead our Grace Group (home bible study), and the Lakers season going up in flames that’s contributed. In addition, I’m preparing for a basketball tournament at the end of the month so I’m putting in extra hours at the gym.

Maybe I’m over committed to too many different things. I probably should cut back on some things. Whatever the case, summer is almost here and there are about 25 days left in the school year. Summer is truly the light at the end of the tunnel that gives hope to all teachers (as well as students). By this time, most families are planning their vacations, California State Testing (CST) is over, and the students are almost completely checked out, you know, like the Lakers checked out at the end of the season. Anyway, I don’t think I’m being over ambitious.

By late June, I’ll be finished with my teaching credential, which is a big accomplishment considering that most of those education classes were like being trapped in a Saw movie. I wanted to saw off my own foot several times throughout the program and probably would’ve if I actually had a saw handy. By the end of June I’ll have my Life Insurance license, which is a key component to financial planning. Furthermore, I’ll have more time to focus on my 2nd career as a CFP (I know that I need to write a blog about this and I will soon), get some sleep, and drive my wife crazy.

It’s just my motto of “Work hard now, Play even harder later.” And everything I do is setting up that motto to become a reality. In retrospect, it’s been a great year. The kids were great (most of them), the parents were nice (most of them), and the year went rather smoothly (most of the time). So into the summer I’ll be taking memories from this year such as the time Diego (2nd grader) said, “Mr. Jay, I want to learn how to count, so I could count my money, so I could become a police officer, so I could eat doughnuts.” I replied by saying, “Yes, it’s important to count your money and eat doughnuts.”

Or the time when I had a 5th grade girl say to me, “Mr. Jay, what’s wrong with your Lakers? They’re falling apart” with me quickly making her write standards the rest of the hour while chanting, “Ko-be, Ko-be, Ko-be.”

Or the time I was in a Kindergarten class, my memory of the kids telling each other “Relax! You gotta RE-LAX when you’re at school,” instead of going to their teacher all the time to resolve their relational conflict. Hearing 5 yr-old(s) say that to each other never gets old.

Also, watching the student mature throughout the year is a rewarding feeling. Or at least the ones that actually mature. I try to have high expectations with them, push them hard and have fun in the midst of all the madness that goes on during the school year. I guess, for right now, there's nothing else I would rather be doing. Especially now that the Lakers' season went up in smoke.

In short, I have 25 more days left- then some much needed rest, a little bit more work, and some play and we’ll do it all over again next year (hopefully, if they hire me back).

The Newlywed Panel

My wife and I were recently asked by our friends to be on a “Newlywed Panel” at church for a Q & A for young couples who are either engaged or have been married under two years. I find it absolutely hilarious that anyone would ask any type of input about anything from an idiot like myself. But, as our friends continued to explain, “We need more diversity on the panel,” translation: “We only have white people on the panel because we are a pre-dominantly white church and you’re the only Thai-guy at church who happens to be married.” Okay, that makes more sense to me. My wife and I happily accepted even though being chosen was based on “Affirmative Action.”

The panel is this weekend and we were emailed a list of possible questions that might be asked in order to start thinking about them now. I had no idea they actually wanted us to be thoughtful in our responses. I might not have accepted. In any case, I thought this would be a good idea to answer some of the questions here as I verbally (written) process important aspects of my marriage so far because, you know, I barely made the cut-off of being married for slightly over two years.

Disclaimer: The answers to these questions are unique to that of my wife and I and in no way reflect what needs to be done in all marriages unless otherwise stated.

Questions:
How have you found ways to still make time in your day to be alone with the Lord now that you are sharing a schedule?

It actually hasn’t changed for me because I’ve always read my Bible either in the afternoon (during lunch) or late at night. My wife goes to bed around 7pm (or at least it feels like she does) and gets up at 4am (or at least it feels like it). While she’s asleep I’m wide-awake, and while I’m asleep she’s wide-awake. That actually works out for personal devotional times, although I don’t even try and have conservation with her past 7pm because she’s completely incoherent by then.

Did you minimize your commitments to ministry involvement to spend more time with each other?

I minimized my commitments before I was married. My philosophy of avoiding responsibility hasn’t changed because I got married. Although, strangely, I find myself committed to more things despite my endeavor to avoid it… God’s sovereignty I guess.

What are ways you have found to help foster intimacy and vulnerability in your marriage?

I think my wife is hot. Therefore, I don't need to "foster" intimacy. Vulnerability? Lets move on.

What was the hardest adjustment you each made as you transitioned into married life?

I can’t speak for my wife but the hardest adjustment for me was adopting two dogs I didn’t want and having to continue to pretend I actually like them, which takes a lot of emotional energy.

What is the most unexpected thing you’ve learned since getting married?

Sex isn’t everything. Yes, that was truly unexpected.

What surprised you most about your spouse?

. . . that she actually wanted to marry me.

What is the biggest conflict that you disagree on right now? How have you been working through it?

After the Lakers’ season went up in flames, I went full-bore sackcloth and ashes and mourned for a couple of days. My wife finally said, “Okay, you haven’t talked to me, hugged me, acknowledged me, or helped around the house since the Lakers lost!!! I’m your wife!!! I HATE you!!!” Okay, I made the last sentence up, but still. Now I don’t expect any woman to understand a man’s connection with his team so why bother trying to explain it? It’s just going to make them irate. You simply learn which battles to fight and this wasn’t one of them. I just acknowledged that she was probably right and started pretending that I wasn’t still dying inside and praying to God that we could somehow get Dwight Howard in a trade this summer.

What is a daily/weekly habit that you do together or for each other?

We each have things we do around the house for each other. For example, I mow the lawn, take out the trash, and pick up the dog feces, you know, the dogs that I didn’t want. She cooks, cleans, and runs the dogs. It truly feels like we’re a team simply “doing life” together. She’s the Gasol to my Kobe (except this year, of course).

What is the best advice you could give for the honeymoon?

Sex isn’t everything.

What advice do you have about leaving and cleaving in relation to in-laws?

That would depend on the in-laws. If they are crazy then leavvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve! Don’t look back. They’re only going to suck the life out of you. If they are semi-sane or solid Christians, then drawing from their experience and allowing them to support you would only help you grow as a married couple. My in-laws have been great. They’ve been supportive and have assisted in our transition to married life. Most importantly, they’ve provided cable television.

For the men: What have you learned about what leadership of your wife looks like?

Being in the leadership role comes with it a lot of responsibility. A good husband/leader may look different from person to person but the things that are essential are a strong devotional life with the Lord, relying on prayer, and having godly peers that will keep you accountable. Everything else is just details. And remember, sex isn’t everything.

A Tribute to Paula Jo Dinkins

The Dinkins family will always have a special connection with me because they are a missionary family from Thailand. That’s right, Thailand! I met Tim Dinkins at Biola University and even went on a mission trip to Thailand, Chiang Mai, with him and his sister Amber in the summer of 2005.

During that summer trip, we became closer and built a bond. It was funny to see how Thai-people reacted to a white guy (Tim) speaking to them in Thai with the expression that said, “I can’t believe I’m talking to a white guy in Thai” on their faces. Although we don’t talk regularly anymore, I know that Tim will always be that special Thai/White brother I never expected to have. Through Tim I met his wonderful parents, Larry and Paula Dinkins. They immediately fell in love with me and constantly encouraged me to pursue ministries and use the gifts that God gave me. They also built a great connection with my mother. Larry and Paula’s passion for ministering to Thai people was clear and evident. It didn’t matter if Thai people were in California or Bangkok, they were going to love on these people with the love of Christ.

When my mom passed away, I remember Larry, Paula and Tim attending the funeral and mourning with me. I had no doubts that they, particularly Paula, would be praying for my family and me constantly. Shortly after my mother’s funeral, I visited with the Dinkins family and we talked about the wonderful memories we had regarding my mom and the impact she had for the kingdom of God. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Recently, Paula Jo Dinkins passed away and vivid memories of my own mom returned. All the wonderfully shared moments I had with Paula also came to mind. Here is an excerpt of her life:

Paula Jo Dinkins, 59, passed into the presence of Jesus Christ, the Savior she loved and served, on March 30, 2011 after a nine-year battle with Multiple Myeloma (MM). Paula is the feminine form of ‘Paul’, and like the apostle we can say that she has fought the good fight, and has finished the course, and has kept the faith (2 Tim. 4:7). Now she has fully entered the joy of the Lord in very presence of God.

Dealing with MM is no small task. However, Paula Dinkins clearly did not “waste her cancer” but, by the power of the Holy Spirit, used it for God’s glory.

Paula truly “bloomed where she was planted” (even in difficult soil). Part of her coping mechanism was to keep her passions aglow as well as maintaining a keen sense of humor (Paula received the most humorous award her senior year in high school). She channeled her passions into her home church, local Thai churches, . . . monthly OMF prayer meetings, and a bi-monthly evangelistic knitting circle called, “Pearling with Paula.” Paula’s garden, handcrafts, and tea were other passions as she volunteered in the herb garden at the Huntington Library, painted canvases, designed stationary, and knitted masterpieces. In March, Paula reached the milestone of 600 visits to Curves, a place where she built relationships with many new acquaintances. She loved sharing Christ with strangers. On her final deputation trip to Dallas Seminary in early March she led a man on the plane to the Lord.

Paula was able to do this because she had a passion for the Word of God, which can be seen by the 35 personal Quiet Time journals collected shortly after her death. Larry Dinkins says this about his wife, “Paula introduced herself as the ‘Woman behind the man, the missionary wife and mother of four missionary kids.’ As her husband, I could not have asked for a more supportive and loving wife.” I hope the life of Paula will be an inspiration to all the young Christian ladies out there.

I had the opportunity to speak to Tim shortly after Paula’s funeral. It was no doubt a difficult time for Tim, as well as the rest of his family, but there was this sense of joy in him that I marveled at. When we saw one another we embraced each other like the good old college buddies we are. I didn’t say anything at first but simply looked at him, while firmly griping his shoulder in affirmation, with an expression that said, “I am extremely blessed to have known you as a brother in the Lord and your faithfulness this day builds my faith.” There was a slight pause to take in the moment, and then Tim told me, “Our mom(s) are talking about us in heaven right now.” I replied laughing saying, “Yes, they have a lot to talk about.” Realizing that they were hundreds of people waiting to talk to each family member, I kept it short and quickly moved to the reception area where they had all the food.

While I was cutting in front of the food line gathering everything I can while making it fit on the tiny plates they gave us, I was reminiscing about the direct contrast between a funeral of a Christian and the funeral of a non-Christian. Yes, we grieve at the loss of loved ones but not as others who have no hope (1 Thess. 4:13). As time passes and more loved ones pass away, despite the pain, it makes the return of Christ that much sweeter.

An Excellent Wife

There are a lot of responsibilities placed on a man, especially a man trying to live for the glory of God. There are all kinds of things that attack his identity and pulls at his affections in all kinds of different directions. One of the things that can be a drain on him is a shameful, argumentative, and contentious wife. In contrast, an excellent wife could be someone who strengthens the character of the man in an edifying, life-giving, and honoring manner.

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones. (Proverbs 12:4 ESV)

I noticed that there are no gray areas in this particular verse. Your wife is either your “crown” or she brings you shame and weakens your very bones. But what does the wife being a “crown” for the husband mean?

In the ancient world, crowns were made of very costly material, symbolizing royalty and sovereignty. I don’t think it is referring to a “trophy wife,” a wife who simply stands there and looks pretty. Once, I asked my buddy Chris Hunt while he was engaged, “What is it about Katie (his girlfriend at the time) that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with her?” He replied, “She makes me feel a hundred feet tall.” I think my buddy Chris’ reply helps to illustrate how the wife is a “crown” to the husband. There is something empowering when you are crowned. The crown represents power and honor.

This is in direct contrast to the idea that “it is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife” (21:9). This is a parallel in meaning with the “continual dripping” in 19:13. The effect of the passage illustrates how a wife’s argumentative habit makes the husband’s life a constant irritation. These passages, no doubt, serve as a warning to young men seeking a wife to not marry someone crazy. As a person who has dated crazy women before, this is sound advice.

All this to say is that my wife is my “crown.” She is understanding and supportive. I’m currently working two jobs and go to school full-time. She also has a career and is attending school full-time. You can imagine that we don’t always get to spend a lot of time together. The other night on my way home from the 2nd job, I asked her if it was okay for me to workout because I hadn’t worked out in a couple of days due to the insane schedule. Some wives would turn into a gun-blazing, vampire warrior faster than Kate Beckinsale in the Underworld movies. But not my wife. She was perfectly fine with me working out late because she understands that’s a big part of my life. This meant the world to me. I felt empowered, and I was extremely grateful. The workout helped my body and mind to recharge. Interestingly, on my way home from that workout I contemplated all the many blessings I have in my life, and my wife was at the top of the list.

Speaking of a list . . . here are a few things that my wife does without fail. She gets me breakfast every morning, runs the dogs about 20 miles a week, reads her bible at 5am every morning, works out like an Olympic athlete, eats healthy food, makes me eat healthy food, cooks dinner every night, prepares lunch for me the next morning, makes more money than I do, edits my blogs and removes anything offensive, has embraced the Lakers as her own, keeps the house clean (including cleaning up all the dog vomit), does the laundry, tells me that she loves me everyday, and actually believes I’ll make a good father someday (stranger things have happened).

If you’re wondering, “What do YOU do in this marriage?” Well, this blog isn’t about me, right?