Girl Power

If you haven’t heard, yet we are having a second girl. The prospect of having another girl frightens the crap out of me. It’s no secret I wanted a boy. My initial reaction when I found out that it was a girl was to be less than excited. It’s been about a week now, and I have properly put things into perspective. But if you want my raw emotions on the first day I found out then continue reading.

When my wife and I found out that our first child was going to be a girl, I was also disappointed. However, I love my daughter Joelle more than I thought capable. I wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world… not even floor seats to the Lakers. It’s been over a year since she was born, and I’ve enjoyed bonding with her and watching her grow. When my wife told me she was pregnant again, I thought to myself, “It has to be a boy!” On the day of the ultrasound, I brought a cigar for luck, ready to light it up when the good news was given. However, the “good news” did not come. We were having another girl.

I sat in the room and tried to put the best poker face on for my wife’s sake. She even said, “You look like you’re about to cry.” And they weren’t tears of joy. It took everything in me to not weep in disappointment. On the drive home, I was relatively somber, attempting to gather my thoughts in a rational manner and simply put things in perspective. There are babies that have disabilities, people dying of cancer, and the Lakers will likely miss the playoffs this year. Having another girl isn’t a bad thing at all… look how it having Joelle turned out!

Common Responses By Others

The two most common responses by people have been, “Maybe your heart needs to soften more,” and “This is what God wants for you.” I can’t argue with the second because . . . well . . . this is what’s happening. However, the first idea- God is giving me another girl because my heart needs to soften- I simply don’t buy. If my heart gets any softer I’m going to turn into a pansy. There needs to be some level of toughness for a man to be . . . well . . . a man. I have the best wife in the world, I have a beautiful little girl, and I work with Special Education students all day. How much softer does a guy need to get?

Go For Three!!!

This, too, is a common response. Here’s the problem with going for a third child – I DON’T WANT THREE CHILDREN!!! Also, the possibility of having three girls running around the house makes me want to drive off a cliff. The estrogen levels at the house would be so high I would have to build a man-cave that would rival the Batcave in order to have some down time to myself.

You’re probably asking, “What’s wrong with three children?” First, I already have to pay for TWO weddings! It’s going to be difficult to even find one worthy candidate for my daughter but now TWO?!? Second, children aren’t cheap. My in-laws are always boasting about having SIX kids and they turned out okay (relatively speaking). None of them have really complained about lacking anything growing up, at least not openly. So when I put a cap on having only two kids, my in-laws are naturally not happy with this. My response, “Are you going to pay for them?”

This really is a losing battle. My prediction is that I’ll succumb to the pressures that be and end up having a third child, which will result in a) having another girl, which will closely follow with me driving myself off a cliff or b) having a boy, in which case I could pass on my Laker season tickets, lawn mowing duties, and my legacy. I would rejoice beyond measure or Thelma & Louise it off a cliff but not having Thelma with me. There's no in-between.

Boy No More

It’s not having another girl that saddens me. It’s NOT having a boy. If you were an outside observer watching my life growing up you would think, “That kid is lazy, irresponsible, and headed nowhere.” You’d be right. My life didn’t turn out to be a tragedy mainly because the Lord grabbed my heart. He undid a lot of pain and emotional trauma. Who would’ve known there would be a passionate and driven person underneath that young jackass? I’ve often wondered how I would’ve turned out if I had a father who took care of me and pointed me in the right direction. How much better of a basketball player would I be? How much smarter would I be? How much farther would I have gotten in life? What does it really mean to be a “man?” If I had a son, I feel I would get my answer.

I would be a father to him the way my father wasn’t for me. I would see how my son would turn out and also see how I would’ve turned out as well. Yes, my son might have different interests, which is fine (within reason) but he would have a moral center and a sense of responsibility knowing his father would be there to support him no matter what. He would want to make me proud not to earn my approval but because he knows he has my unconditional love and that same unconditional love drives him to pursue greatness in all its forms. He would be a window to a parallel universe, which would show another path I could’ve lived. How many people get that opportunity to see an alternate beginning to your own life?

Dealing with Disappointment

I’ve had several disappointments in my life and the Lord has brought me to a place of peace with all of them. I’m sure raising two girls will be nothing short of a major blessing in my life. Sure mowing the lawn will be a constant reminder that I don’t have a son, but I will place my trust in knowing God is good.

Who knows… maybe if I had a son he wouldn’t grow up the way I envision and the Lord is sparing me the pain of bailing him out of jail. Whatever the case, I will trust and I will believe this is God’s best thing for me . . . probably.

Summer of 2013

This was a great summer for several reasons. It was a nice time to rest after having a difficult year, I hired a personal trainer for better and more efficient workouts, and bonded with my daughter. We also took several trips throughout the summer. My family and I went to Hume Lake where clueless teenagers run wild within the confines of a Christian camp, visited my buddy Dom and his family up at Monterey, and even went to Mammoth for the first time.

There were several other benefits of the summer months, but I just wanted to highlight the Mammoth trip for this year’s summer summary blog. The reason for this is not because a bear almost ate me (not making that up) but that the Mammoth trip was Dom’s college and career retreat for his church. He asked me to team teach with him by going through several chapters and themes in the book of Hebrews. I begrudgingly said, “yes,” sensing that it would take several hours of studying to prepare and even more energy to act mature and responsible during the retreat since I’d be viewed as a “leader.”

As I began the process of preparation for the teaching times, it wasn’t much of a surprise that I enjoyed studying the Bible since I . . . well . . . enjoy studying the Bible. What came as a surprise to me was that being a “leader” with Dom that weekend wasn’t as taxing as I thought it was going to be. It was actually quite enjoyable. I appreciated the opportunity to do so myself and to see how much Dom has matured as a man and spiritual leader. Upon further reflection, I find it simply comical that God would have us EVER leading a retreat. People who knew us during our teen years would know that a three-legged blind dog would have been better at leading just about anything else.

From what I hear, the people who attended the retreat were blessed and left knowing God better and understanding our roles in His grand master plan (whatever that may be). The retreat really had a duel purpose for me. First, of course, was my responsibility to teach the Word of God and minister to people. Yes, I counted that as one because they go hand in hand. Second, it was a great time to reflect on my personal journey of how far the Lord has brought me. Twenty years ago if you would’ve told Dom and myself that Dom would be a pastor someday and I would help him teach the Bible at a retreat we would’ve have said, “Give us some of whatever you are smoking.” Most people know we were “bad” kids. I won’t get into details but “bad” doesn’t really quite describe it. I’ve been truly blessed watching Dom’s life and mine continue to change and to see the power of the gospel in both our lives.

As it stands, I was extremely humbled by the opportunity and realize God continues to use the biggest jack@$$es to glorify His name- which is fine by me since that all but guarantees my usage for His kingdom.

Joelle Year 1

Last month was my daughter’s 1st birthday. Yes, the year went by fast. And I keep hearing it only gets faster. There have been hard moments and some lifestyle changes that require a lot of sacrifice, patience, and understanding. None of these attributes are part of my natural disposition, which was one of the reasons for my initial reservations about becoming a parent. However, despite of all the hard moments of being a parent, there is a constant state of awe that one feels when looking at his child.

As Joelle grows, speaks more words, moves around more fluidly, and comprehends the world around her, I am constantly amazed at the growth of my little girl. Most children mature in much the same way, but when you’re the one with direct influence and when it’s your own child, it brings a deeper appreciation for the maturation process. I can’t tell you in mere words the joy it brings me when I hear her laughter, when I see her smile, and the love I feel when she just wants me to hold her. In the same sense, it pains me when she’s in pain or sick. I would gladly take that pain and sickness away from her and place it on myself.

These realizations make me think about Jesus Christ who took the cross in my place. It wasn’t when I was a helpful child trusting in a father who would provide for me that he did this. It was when I was an enemy cursing at Him and shaking my fist in defiance. As I grow in my appreciation for the natural maturation process of my own child, I also am growing in my appreciation for the love of God, “for when we were yet still sinners, Christ died for us.” My prayer and hope as a father is to show Joelle a glimpse of the same grace Christ has imparted to me. I will need the power of the Holy Spirit and Christ’s interceding on my behalf in order to do this. But the Bible has given me those things as promises. I need only believe them to be true and worship with a believing heart.

Happy birthday Joelle! I can’t tell you the joy you bring in my life. I didn’t have a father growing up, and I’m determined to not let that happen with you. I will be here for you as much as the Lord allows. I won’t be perfect in handling every situation, but I will love you in every situation. At times, I will probably be disappointed in some of your decisions, but overall I have no doubt you will become an amazing woman of God. You are my beautiful sunshine, the apple of my eye, and another reason for me to get up in the morning. Those things will never waver, and it’s only a glimpse of your heavenly Father’s love for you. I love you sweetheart. Happy 1st birthday.

PS – I still say I’m kicking you out of the house when you turn eighteen. (Mom’s in your corner, though, so this may be a losing battle.)

Father’s Day- “The Wife” Blog

For the first time ever in The Jammer's Blog history we have a guest blogger. My wife! She wanted to share her perspective on this year's Father's Day weekend. Thanks honey for taking the time to write and guest blogging.

It’s Father’s Day this weekend. For me, this day is a day of double celebration. I was (and still am) very blessed to have been raised by a wonderful father. My dad was loving, caring, and involved in our lives. I can still remember the days as a little girl when he would blow dry my hair for me on Saturday night in preparation for looking nice on Sunday mornings. I can remember taking trips with him to Home Depot where he would let us ride on the big flat bed carts until they got too full with supplies. Around Christmas time, my dad loaded our family up in the car, took us to Thrifty’s, and then cruised neighborhoods where we got to look at all the Christmas lights while enjoying our ice cream. During our years in Awana, Dad very patiently helped us design, cut, and paint our cars for the annual race. When we started playing sports in junior high and high school, my dad was on the sideline, cheering us on (and sometimes sharing his opinions about the games with the referees. ☺) In many ways, my Dad was simply “there” for us. Although I have no doubt that we drove him nuts at times, he never made us feel like a nuisance. Instead, my dad lovingly welcomed us into his everyday life and inserted himself into ours.

Perhaps most importantly, my dad led our family well. His love for my mom was never in doubt. We used to cringe as kids when we watched them kiss and hug, but I realize now, that those moments were very important in building within us a sense of security in their relationship as well as an example for how a husband and wife should function. My dad honored my mom, and demanded that we do the same. My dad led us spiritually as a family. He initiated Bible reading and prayer each night. He lovingly disciplined us, administering spankings when necessary followed by a conversation in which he reiterated his love for us despite our disobedience. In all these ways, my dad gave us a picture of a heavenly Father who loves in much the same way. I am still so grateful for my dad!

This year, Father’s Day has brought on new meaning for me. I not only have the privilege of celebrating with my own dad, but now, I get to celebrate with Junior. Watching Junior embrace the role of fatherhood has been such a joy. I can still recall the day, almost a year ago, when he stood in the delivery room, playing “Circle of Life” on his iphone while my mom held Joelle. Yes, he really did that. ☺ In the months since that time, Joelle has grown by leaps and bounds both physically and emotionally, and we’ve had to grow with her. Junior has been wonderful at embracing the role of father. We both certainly have a lot to learn, and it hasn’t all been easy, but watching my husband lovingly care for our little girl has made me fall even more in love with him.

Junior has a wonderful sense of humor (as I’m sure many of you know), and he does a great job of bringing that into his role as father. When Joelle used to complain about getting her face wiped after meals, he simply turned it into a game with funny noises and quick swipes. What was once a battle became a fun father-daughter interaction. As I have passed off kid’s book for Junior to read to her while I prepare dinner, I often find myself laughing as I listen in on the storytime. Let’s just say Junior has a wonderful imagination, and the storyline often sounds quite different than the one I remember reading from the same book.

As Joelle grows, it has been fun to see the way that Junior takes pleasure in interacting with her more and more- taking her for rides in her favorite green car, tickling her into hysterics on the floor, letting her climb all over him in bed when we wake him up in the morning, watching NBA games together (although Joelle doesn’t last for very long), and kissing her sweetly for bed each night. (The smile she gets on her face each time this happens melts my heart). Even with Joelle still as young as she is (and not very willing to sit still for long), Junior has begun to lead us in family Bible reading and prayer, knowing that these habits that we build as a family will be so important to her spiritual growth.

If you know Junior’s story, you know that his earthly fathers were far from ideal, even according to worldly standards. It still saddens me to think that he grew up without the love and support of a father. However, we have a good God of grace, and I love that Junior’s story of redemption is continuing as he takes on the role of fatherhood. I don’t expect him to be perfect (as I’m sure he already knows that I’m not a perfect mom). I know that we both have a lot to learn as parents and probably many more mistakes to make. However, I have great hope as I watch Junior develop as a father. He has surrounded himself with good, godly men who speak into his life and will be instrumental in helping him develop and holding him accountable in his roles as both husband and father. Most importantly, Junior knows his heavenly Father and seeks to honor him in the way that he loves and leads our family. I know that He who began a good work in Junior will perfect it until the day of Christ. (Philippians 1:6). I am so grateful that I get to be the woman who shares the journey with him!

Junior, I love you. Thank you so much for caring for “your girls” so well. We are blessed by you, and Lord willing, look forward to many more Father’s Days to celebrate you.

Coffee & Camaraderie Part 2 of 2

For Part 1 click here.

Reason (1) We believe we are sooooooooooooooooooo busy we just don’t have the time for it. I say “believe” because if we really wanted to we could set aside time pretty easily if we truly looked at our schedule. If the president of the United States has time to fill out his NCAA basketball tournament bracket we probably have time to make a phone call. Basically, we’re really not that busy. I’m not talking about weekly coffee conversations or phone calls but once every couple of weeks or once a month? We really can’t spare that to connect with friends?

Reason (2) For some friendships, it’s just not worth the effort. There are certain friendships where no matter how long it’s been since you’ve last talked you simply pick up where you last left off. For others, after some time of absence there’s a sense you’re just not that close anymore. Therefore, it’s really not worth the effort to stay in contact.

Reason (3) Laziness: Let’s just be real. Some people aren’t busy at all but are simply down-right lazy. For those of you too lazy to connect with your friends what kind of friend are you? Relationships take work and responsibly but it’s all worth it because we are created to be relational beings.

Reason (4) Out of sight out of mind: If you don’t see the person you really don’t think about that person. It’s normal for people to think mostly about what’s in front of them. Maybe we should spend more time daydreaming?

Whatever your reason is for not making more of an effort to connect with friends on a meaningful level, just know that it’s lame. My buddy Chris Hunt sent me a text message yesterday saying:

I’m sitting in the 3rd day of class with 3 instructors who have been divorced at least once. Tell your wife you love her and that you’re thankful for her. Make time for a date and love on her . . . praying for you.

That’s what you call a true friend. My wife would absolutely want me to make time to spend with Chris. I’m not talking about making time to go drinking and fill your time with non-sense. I’m talking about making time for friends who will truly make you a better person because they care about the state of your soul. And if you don’t have time to care for your own soul then what do you have time for?

Coffee & Camaraderie Part 1 of 2

When I get up in the morning my lovely wife usually has a cup of coffee waiting for me. Do I really need that cup of coffee? No. I don’t get headaches when I don’t drink coffee but I have a cup anyway because it’s comforting in the morning. My body usually feels like a slab of concrete getting out of bed and every joint in my body is screaming curse words at me. So when I sip that warm cup of coffee it’s a soft blanket over my soul. It’s comforting. That’s why I have a cup. You know what else is comforting? Camaraderie.

I had the opportunity to catch up with Andre, an old Bible college friend, a couple of weeks. We met for coffee and talked about everything we’ve been learning and what the Lord has been doing in our lives. It was a couple of hours of great fellowship. I always leave reflecting on things Andre talks about. He impacts my life every time we talk. We always say, “We need to do this more often,” which is true. It’s difficult given our life stage. We’re no longer goofing off at Bible college with a full day ahead of us to come up with practical jokes to pull on each other. We’re family men with full-time jobs, bills to pay and lawns to mow.

However, when you really start to reflect on how you spend your time throughout the week, you’ll realize you probably have more time to meet with friends than you think you do. This is what kills me. I’m pretty intentional when it comes to connecting with friend-, whether it’s a phone call, text message, and/or email. Some friends call back some don’t. Some friends take forever to call back some call back quickly. Either way, I keep calling. When I finally get a hold of someone, I don’t give him a guilt trip for not calling me back. I just begin the conversation as though they called me back the next day. What usually happens is that both parties are extremely blessed with the time shared.

So, here’s my question: Why is it so hard to connect with friends you don’t see on a regular basis?

Let's answer this question in Part 2, which will be posted tomorrow.

The New Mother’s Day

When I was up in Spokane at my brother-in-law’s wedding a couple of weeks ago, I tried to get over the fact that I wasn’t in LA and actually enjoy myself and the company of friends and family. It mildly worked. The wedding ceremony was at a nice venue and the reception was at the same place. I always enjoy it when the ceremony and reception are at the same place because we don’t have to drive anywhere else. After the ceremony, as the natural progression of the night continued, there was the son and mother dance. I had front row seating for this and was happy for my brother-in-law and mother-in-law. At that same moment, there was a hint of sadness tugging at my heart realizing my mom wasn’t here, and that I never had a chance to dance with her at my wedding.

This weekend is Mother’s day. It’s not lost on me that my mother is no longer here but home with the Lord Jesus. There’s no other place where I would have her be, although I often wish I had one more day with her just to introduce her to my family.

This Mother’s day is also a little different for me,though. My beautiful wife is a mother and it’s not lost on me that I don’t have a gift for her. It felt like 20 minutes ago that I bought her an anniversary gift . Crap! Now I’m in yet another mad scramble. My co-workers are already telling me, “It’s her first Mother’s Day. You better make it special!” No pressure. I’m sure I’ll think of something. I usually do, but not until I hit 9.5 on the Stressed Out scale.

(Wait a second. Let me just send a mass text to some friends asking for ideas. Hold on . . . okay . . . send. Right you still here?)

Reflecting back on my wife’s first year of motherhood, I appreciate her more than ever. Furthermore, I appreciate all good mothers around the world, and especially my own mother and all the things she did for me of which I never took notice. I’ve always found it interesting that the love for my mom has grown throughout the years since her absence. How do you love someone more without them being here? I call it “Retro-Understanding.” This simply means that as you get older, you understand the things people were trying to teach you when you didn’t initially understand the lesson because you were too immature, too dumb, or you were just a complete jack@$$ (or some combination of all three). The most common people giving out good lessons to un-teachable people who only later on “get the lesson” are schoolteachers, coaches, and of course parents. My Retro-Understanding of my mother’s love for me grows as my “jack@$$-ery” lessens. That’s how it’s possible for me to love my mother more even though she’s not here.

But with this new twist on Mother’s Day- namely, my wife now being a mother- I get to focus on enjoying loving my wife in a different manner. There’s an extra day out of the year I get to show my appreciation towards her in her new role that’s not at all easy and often requires being selfless and sacrificial. I guess that’s worth being a little lighter in the wallet and getting stressed out at the last minute (again).