Valentine Cramming

Today at work we had a potluck and the theme was Valentine’s Day (surprise). I mentioned to a couple of the ladies on staff that I didn’t have a plan for Valentine’s Day as of now. Of course, they were appalled. “It’s next week!” they said emphatically. Here’s the thing about The Jammer that you need to know. Even though I don’t have a plan, I ALWAYS have a plan. I know that doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense so I’ll explain.

It’s no secret men are inept at things like planning for Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries, or anything that requires thinking outside themselves. But there is something we men are absolutely good at, namely, cramming like a bunch of crazy people. So it’s become an annual ritual with a couple of buddies of mine to call each other and frantically come up with a plan for our wives on Valentine’s Day. Naturally all the good restaurants are booked and the restaurants that don’t require reservations will be jammed packed like the New York subway systems.

So then, with going out to dinner out of the question we usually retrace our steps. One of us will ask, “What did you do last year?” just to eliminate that idea because you can’t do the same thing two years in a row because women actually remember stuff like that. They want creativity and imagination, you know, the categories most men stink at. But when a group of desperate men attempting to avoid the wrath of their wives come together to figure out a plan it’s not only comical but sometimes productive. So am I worried? No. Well, maybe a little. Will we figure something out by next week? Probably. But in case the guys and I can’t come up with anything there are plenty of flower shops designed to prey on last-minute-desperately-attempting-to-avoid-wrath-from-our-wives type of men (like myself) that could always bail us out in a jam for the right price. I don’t need to know the logic behind why women love flowers. I’m just content using it to my advantage.

And if all else fails? There are always guys selling flowers on the intersections of streets, along with peanuts and oranges. So guys, when you get home and show your wife the flowers you bought her, make sure you hide the peanuts and oranges.

The Jammer - This Means War

Welcome to the Tuesday morning edition of The Jammer, which I share thoughts on things that matter to me. Movies are on my mind today, actually, a particular movie. Since Valentine is around the corner you know Hollywood would attempt to cash in on the holiday. A couple of years ago New Line Cinema produced Valentine’s Day the movie, which had several big name actors/actresses. The critics hated it because it was completely void of substance and there were too many mini-storylines to follow that lead to the film being convoluted. It immediately felt like “Throw out as many names as possible and hope it sticks” type of movie. Needless to say, I didn’t watch it.

This year 20th Century Fox is attempting to cash in with the movie This Means War. When I heard Chris Pine and Tom Hardy were playing “Two of the world's deadliest CIA operatives who are inseparable partners and best friends” I was immediately hooked. Pine and Hardy are two young raising stars who have shown a decent amount of range from their previous roles. I’ve been waiting for them to take some more action roles. But then I read the next sentence – “until they discover that they've fallen in love with the same woman” with Reese Witherspoon (Lauren) thrown in the middle. Talk about getting your emotions jerked around! It went from actually being extremely excited for a movie for once to “What a waste of good talent and an idiotic premise.”

I get Hollywood’s reasoning. It’s Valentine’s Day and we need a Rom-Com with some eye-candy for both genders. Men will feel obligated to take their women on a date/movie so we’ll throw in some high-tech gadgetry, highly skilled fighting, and some explosions to make it appealing for the guys as well.

Here’s the problem. If two guys are “best friends” but yet are willing to kill each other at a drop of a hat over a girl they hardly know how good was that friendship to begin with? You might be saying, “You’re thinking way too hard. It’s only a movie.” You might be right. But my annoyance is Hollywood portraying fickle friendships as “entertainment.” Gone are the days of Frodo and Sam type of bonds that inspire you to deeper relationships.

Would it have been difficult to tweak the premise slightly? Let’s say Pine and Hardy’s characters were still best friends and top CIA agents you kick @$$. Pine is engaged to Witherspoon’s character and they are to marry with Hardy’s character being Pine’s best man because, you know, they’re “best friends.” But terrorist for whatever reason kidnaps Witherspoon and Pine sets out to save her with the help of Hardy because, you know, they’re “best friends.” While Pine and Hardy set out to save Witherspoon they uncover several terrorist plots and are forced to intervene. Pine has a deep sense of obligation to protect the people of the United States against these attacks over attempting to rescue his girl. Hardy realizes this about Pine and instead attempts to rescue Witherspoon for Pine because, you know, they’re “best friends.”

In short, Pine saves the United States from a terrorist plot while Hardy saves Witherspoon for his buddy but not without sacrificing his own life in the process. Hardy dies in Witherspoon’s arms and tells her with his last breath, “He’ll have to pick a new best man.” Witherspoon response by saying, “You’ll always be his best man” while sopping over his body. Fast forward several years with Pine and Witherspoon visiting Hardy’s grave with their son named after Hardy’s character. Witherspoon picking up their son and gives Pine a moment alone at Hardy’s grave. He gives a sentimental speech to Hardy about him always being his “best man” even though he was unable to be at the wedding. The End.

Now instead of having “Romance” and “Friendship” at odds with one another you actually have them both displayed in honorable ways and working together. Who’s NOT watching that movie? Instead, we’ll get two “best friends” beating each other to death over a girl they hardly know. Sweet! Because nothing beats shallow relationships, then again, I might just be thinking too hard.

Here's the trailer:

We’re Having A Baby!!!

It’s time for the announcement. Yes, Katie and I are having a baby!!! So something good came out of the NBA lockout after all. What? No basketball? I guess we should make a baby. In addition, the due date is July 20th, which is right after the NBA Finals. Yes, that was planned.

Recalling the day we found out, Katie was using the home pregnancy kit while I was looking up NBA news to see if there were any signs of the lockout ending. She comes into the office room holding the kit and said, “Honey, I think we hit the mark” then preceded to show me the positive sign on the kit. My reply was, “I’m down with that.” Shortly after, the lockout ended. So… I had two things to cerebrate. Joy.

Katie told me not to tell anyone then proceeded to tell everyone. She would say it was “only her family” but that included her parents, four brothers, their wives, their children, and her sister (and throw in a couple of friends while they were on the phone). I think that’s everyone. I called my buddy Dom and told him the news. He then told the news to my buddy Bryan who was hurt that I didn’t tell him personally. Well, my excuse was every time we would talk we were trying to find solutions to end the lockout and simply never got around to the “Katie’s pregnant” news. Since that time, I’ve told my sister, a couple of co-workers, and the rest of my groomsmen via text message. There’s excitement all around.

Now I’ve already been told the typical things like, “You’ll never be the same,” “Get your sleep now because you’ll never sleep again,” “It’ll change your life,” and my favorite, “It’s over.” Surprisingly, I’m really not worried about the sleep component, although ask me again when the baby arrives. If you’ve read my list of PROS AND CONS ON PARENTHOOD you’ll see my main worries. Of course I wrote that before Katie’s pregnancy (aka “The death knell”). So then, my anxieties are much more grounded. And yes, I have anxieties. I’d be lying to you if I said I didn’t. I pray everyday for my wife and unborn child for God’s grace and mercy to be upon them.

First, my hope is there’s nothing wrong with the baby physically or mentally. I think most parents hope for that, right? Second, I hope the baby is a boy. That’s right! I said it! I HOPE HE’S A BOY!!! I guess the rule is I’m supposed to say, “I’ll be happy with whatever gender.” Let me be clear, I would love a girl like she was my own child (because she would be). That doesn’t mean I don’t have a preference. I’m not even against having a girl eventually. I just want a boy FIRST. Here’s my reasoning, if I had a girl first that means I run the risk of having another girl second and maybe third (I put in “third” for the in-laws but I’m putting in a hard-cap on two children), thus leaving me with zero boys. If I had a boy first, then it wouldn’t matter what gender comes after, I would already have my boy and be completely anxiety free when impregnating my wife again. I would even play "The Circle of Life" from the Lion King soundtrack when he's born.

Besides, if I have a daughter I’ll have to pay for a wedding and probably have to hold off on retirement a while longer. If I have a boy, I’ll just have to pay for his bail bond and we’re done. They’re usually cheaper than weddings. I’m only giving him one bail bond and that’s it. As a parent you have to draw the line somewhere.

Some of you might be saying, “What if your daughter grows up and reads this blog and has daddy issues as a result?” Don’t worry. By then I would’ve written a blog (while citing this one) and mentioned how it’s been absolutely amazing having a daughter. And how I’ve never thought a daughter would affirm my masculinity the way she has. Furthermore, I’ll write about how the relationship with my daughter has only increased my sensitivity towards others because a daughter tends to bring out the gentler side of men. A daughter also brings out the protective instincts, the need to be a provider, and most importantly the spiritual guidance needed in male leadership.

Finally, as she continues to grow I’m sure I will quickly realize I would gladly overpay for a wedding knowing her happiness would mean more to me than my own- which will result in me being even less of a jerk than what I already am. But until that day I’m sticking to my guns and hoping/praying for a boy.

We'll find out the gender in a couple of weeks (and yes, you'll get a blog). I would love your prayers that the Lord would truly have His grace and mercy on our family. Thank you all.