The Pros and Cons of Parenthood

My good friend Jeanine, whom I met at the bible college that should not be named, keeps asking me “When are you going to have kids?” She has three boys of her own and I have no doubts she’s the best mother to these boys any woman could possibly be. In addition, our good friend Katie Hunt, who recently just had her first child, is so excited about being a parent that she wants us to join them. Kind of like joining a fun bowling league you want your friends to join. I told her that we’d wait for their second child before we join in on the “fun” and she gave me the look of death. She continued to say that she’d pray that God would change my heart. I replied by saying, “I would pray God would change your heart about praying for God to change my heart.” In any case, as I ponder this question of being a parent I began to compile the pros and cons of parenthood.

I’m writing this from a guy’s perspective knowing very well that parenthood is inevitable. I feel like Neo being held down by Agent Smith on the train tracks, in the Matrix, as the train is coming, “Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability. That is the sound of your death.” And just like the scene in the Matrix, I hope to jump out of the way of the on-coming train for at least two sequels.

(Actually, watching that scene again I feel like Agent Smith represents having children and Neo represented me fighting having children. As Agent Smith beats Neo senseless, I can’t help but feel that I’ll take on the same kind of beating as a parent.)

So here’s my list:

Pro: The wife will be happy. This is always a good thing. I also feel a personal responsibility as a husband to make the wife happy whenever possible.

Con: The responsibility of caring for a person’s life. That’s some major responsibility. My motto has always been to avoid responsibility at all cost. Having a child (or children – wow, just typing that made me cringe) would completely and absolutely destroy that motto in 0.000043 seconds.

Pro: The in-laws would be happy. They have also offered free babysitting, which I plan to take full advantage. Of course I have no doubts the in-laws and I will have conflicting parental views, like it’s okay to curse when either the Lakers are losing or when you’re driving alone. Every other time is off limits. The in-laws have a no cursing under any circumstances rule. Where’s the flexibility in that?

Con: There will be less time to follow basketball. There are times when the dog comes into the room looking for attention while I’m catching up on the scores, highlights, and news of the NBA. I just tell him to “Get out!” and he complies. However, I can’t do that with a child, at least not without psychological ramifications. I’ll actually have to spend time with the child.

Pro: (. . . thinking . . . thinking . . . thinking . . . )

Con: What would I do with my Lakers season tickets? My buddy Andre says to sell them and get diapers. Is that really going to motivate me to have kids? How many times can the wife take care of Junior Jr. all day while I work only to come home and take off for the ball game? If I gave you two years until she files for divorce would you take the over/under?

Pro: (still . . . thinking . . . thinking . . . thinking)

Con: Discipline. Something I never had when I was growing up was discipline. I had a stepfather who beat me but that really wasn’t discipline but more like child abuse. I’ve never been a disciplined person so for me to discipline a child would be hypocritical. If I let the wife do all the disciplining then parenting becomes the “Good cop, bad cop” routine. Who wants that? Well, at least I’ll be the “good cop.”

Pro: Tax write-off.

Con: Having a child is expensive and I’m a tightwad. We just bought a house and it freaks me out that we now have a mortgage for the foreseeable future (this will get it’s own blog when we officially move in at the end of the month).

Pro: You get to bring another Lakers fan into the world.

Con: What if there is something wrong with them? What if they are allergic to peanuts, not athletic, or want to become a dancer (this goes for both a boy and girl)? It’s nerve-racking just to think about it.

Pro: Ironically, the head-cases who are my students help me want to have a child a little more. If for no other reason, my children would dominate the competition.

Con(s): Changing diapers, getting woke up in the middle of the night from a crying baby, vomit everywhere, crying baby during the day, crying baby when they’re out, keeping them from doing stupid things, more crying, attending to their every waking needs, parent conferences, weekly meeting with the principle, teenage apathy, teenage defiance, attending all their stupid events (missing basketball games in the process), young adult apathy, young adult defiance, paying for their college in order for them to get a great job to leave us in the dust afterwards. I’m not exactly sure why people sign up for this. But people keep telling me it’s worth it and the wife is convinced of this fact.

For example, a couple of weeks ago the dog got sick and in the middle of the night started and Exorcist vomiting all over the living room. I woke up to the stench that could only be described with profanities. I left for work wanting to vomit myself. The wife later said it cost $150 for the dog’s meds. I asked her, “How much to have him put down?” That question only received the death look. My point is that children are double the work of dogs and that’s pretty scary for a selfish guy like myself.

Let me get serious if not only for a paragraph. I’ve always wondered what it would’ve been like if I had a good father growing up. I’ve felt like my childhood was a waste, just collecting issues and psychological damage only to be worked out and fixed during my adult years. My children will have a good father if only by God’s grace. I don’t have to live under the psychological fatalistic mentality that says that things from my past will hold me down. I will do my best as a father and simply trust in God’s sovereignty. The Lord was willing to adopt me into His family when I was an enemy. So the Lord will show me what kind of love to give my children. In addition, I have a wonderful community of believers who are godly parents that I could seek counsel (and babysitting) from. With the Lord's strength and their support, I'm sure things will turn out okay.

In conclusion, it’s clear that the cons outweigh the pros but isn’t parenthood sacrificial? Isn’t parenthood supposed to be selfless? Doesn't being a parent help put things into perspective? Does parenthood help align our values properly? Doesn't God call children a "blessing?" I guess these are the things that really scares me.