Best Man, Worst Moment

In June of 2002, my buddy Dom, who I’ve known since middle school, married his beautiful wife Jessica (to this day I don’t know how Dom ever let his wife schedule the wedding over the NBA Finals). Bryan Benavidez was his best man and we know one of the responsibilities of the best man is to give the wedding toast. All week Bryan talked about how he was going to “bring the house down” with his toast. I emphatically replied, “Preach it!” Shortly after the ceremony, everybody began to settle at their assigned tables for the reception. Bryan calmly walked up to the front, with microphone in hand, squared himself to the audience in preparation to speak. I yelled, “Preach it brother!” which was quickly followed by a chuckle from Bryan. Personally knowing the full story of what Bryan and Dom had been through as friends, because I was there for most of those stories, for the first time in my life I was actually eager to hear what Bryan had to say. He began by saying, “I’ve known Dom for a long time and I’ve never seen him as emotional as I saw him last night.” As he attempted to continue, he was overcome by emotion, clearly welling up beyond what he could contain he raised his glass to the air for the toast abruptly ending his speech by saying, “Shall we?” while everyone awkwardly said “Uh, cheers?”

Here’s a recap of Bryan’s best man speech at Dom’s wedding:

I’ve known Dom for a long time and I’ve never seen him as emotional as I saw him last light . . . (raising his glass to the air) shall we?

I don’t think I’m overstating myself when I say Bryan’s speech didn’t “bring the house down.” Staying true to form, for seven straight years, I mercilessly mocked him like a pack of attention starved Middle Schoolers.

The wedding toast is a ritual expression of honor and goodwill towards the bridge and groom. Being chosen as the best man of a particular wedding is a great honor. By choosing a best man, the groom communicates, “Out of all the people that matter in my life, YOU are my closest friend and the person who I want closest to me on the most important day of my life.” Being chosen as the best man is an honor, which carries with it serious weight. There are many responsibilities that come with being the best man, but for the intended purpose of this blog, lets just focus on the Best Man Speech.

There are tons of things the best man does behind the scenes, not only during the wedding ceremony and reception, but in the weeks and days leading up to the wedding itself. However, when it comes to the wedding toast/speech, the best man is front and center for all those in attendance to see. Everyone knows who he is because he stood closest to the groom during the ceremony. This particular part of the wedding is extremely unique. It’s the best man’s moment to shine, not for himself, but for the groom. Meaning, if the best man does an outstanding job in giving the speech then it’s a positive reflection on the groom because the friends you have in your life are a direct reflection of your character. On the other hand, if the best man completely bombs in giving the speech then people are left saying “THIS guy is the best man? The groom must be a complete tool for picking him.” There’s really no in-between.

I’ve been to countless weddings and I can’t tell you how many botched best man speeches I’ve witnessed. As a man, it’s one of the most disappointing things for me to witness. A guy is given a great honor on the most important day of his best friend’s life and he couldn’t put more than 20 minutes of thought into his speech? Usually it ends up being completely juvenile filled with stories of childish behavior. I’m sure the bride’s parents appreciate those stories. I wonder how many “Wait a sec . . . are we really giving away our daughter to this jack@$$?” moments are at a wedding?

Sometimes the best man speech is completely incoherent- words come out of the guy’s mouth but there’s absolutely no sense of purpose or direction, just complete senseless babbling. You often see this when the best man gets nerves or is unprepared. I’ve yelled out, “Get a grip man! Breathe!!!” only to have my wife tell me to stop yelling at him because I’m making it worse. I’ve also witness the babbling go on and on and on because the best man knew he wasn’t making any sense but didn’t know how to end the speech. It was painfully awkward for everyone. I nearly walked over and pulled the plug on the microphone to put him out of his misery like Old Yeller.

In contrast, when my buddy Aaron got married he had the entire wedding party give a mini-speech at the reception. He told us in advance and gave us time to think about what we were going to say. My buddy Jordan and I immediately felt the weight of that responsibility. The wedding was in the East Coast and Jordan and I flew out there and spent the week with him. Every night before going to bed we had this dialogue:

Jordan: “Do you know what you’re going to say?”
Me: “No, do you know what you’re going to say?”
Jordan: “No, I'm not sure what I’m going to say.”
Me: “Me neither.”

We repeated this dialogue every night for the entire week. It was stressful because we didn’t want to sound like a couple of idiots and make Aaron look like a complete jack@$$. In short, when it was time for Jordan and I to give our speeches we did well. It was a great time and we couldn’t stop talking about the wedding and everyone else’s speech on the flight home because EVERYONE was thoughtful, articulate, and engaging. It made Aaron’s wedding that much more memorable. I often reflect about that time and how much it meant for me to be there for my friend. Furthermore, I can imagine how much it must of meant to Aaron, not only the “Thanks for not making me look like a jack@$$” but also “You’ve made the most important day of my life that much more meaningful not only for me but also for my family.”

This was a direct result of pouring in hours of thinking about what to say and how to say it. Jordan and I prayed for God’s guidance while bouncing ideas off of each other. We practiced and rehearsed the speech to each other and in our heads countless times, shaping and reshaping it until we were completely comfortable with the end product. Does it always come out the way you planned it? Of course not. There’s the need to “feel the crowd,” consider what have other members of the wedding party already said, and keep your emotions in check, at least enough to deliver the speech well. I went over all of those scenarios in my head taking into account how unpredictable emotions can be and adjusted accordingly.

Some people might say, “That’s a lot of work over a 3-5 minute speech.” My reply is that’s EXACTLY what you do to tell your friend “Thank you for this great honor you are giving me.” If there’s any film/movie/video you’ve ever enjoyed, know that those few minutes of your favorite scenes took hours to produce. That goes for speeches or sermons that have been moving, articulate, and engaging. It takes time to craft them. So you can imagine how disappointed I get when I hear other guys given such an honor at a wedding and run it through the mud.

My wife tells me, “Not everyone is gifted in public speaking so cut them some slack.” My counter-argument is, “No, not everyone is gifted in public speaking but at the very least I expect the person to be coherent, thoughtful, and well-meaning . . . and too often I see none of the above.” At least act like you’ve given it some thought. I mean it’s only your friend’s most important day of his life. Is that too much to ask? I say no.

I’ve given other wedding speeches before and it’s been an absolute blast. When I’m given a responsibility to add more meaning to the most meaningful day of my friend’s life, I take that seriously. I’m not sure if I’m “gifted” in public speaking anymore than a person who is “gifted” in lifting a lot of weight. If you walk into a gym and see a guy who’s benching 250lbs or more, your initial thought isn’t, “Wow that guy is ‘gifted’ in lifting weights.” No, you simply realize he’s put in the time and reps in order to be able to lift that amount of weight. It’s old-fashioned W-O-R-K. It’s no secret. However, there is the artistic element in giving the best man speech. Personally, I use this formula and it’s been extremely successful. If you’re ever given the honor as the best man, you could decide to use it if you want. If not, I won’t be offended, but when the time comes for you to make the speech, just be sure to make some da** sense.

The Intro.

The first element should be a catchy introduction that gets people laughing to loosen them up. This is important. People are on guard when they hand over the microphone to the best man because of all the non-sense I mentioned above. People are almost expecting you to be a jack@$$. When you lead off with some clean humor it relaxes the crowd. Of course you should always have a contingency plan if your joke falls flat. This is why getting feedback from friends and family would be helpful.

A Story

The second element is a good narrative that is unique to you and the groom, which gives insight into the groom’s character in order for others to know him better. Most guys talk about how long they’ve known the groom, “I’ve know _________________ since _______________.” But that doesn’t mean anything if you don’t attach a good story that reveals both the substance of your friendship and the contents of his character.

For example, at my buddy Jordan’s wedding I talked about the time when we were living in an apartment together during grad-school. We had a neighbor, a 22-year-old man who had autism. I mentioned he was extremely annoying. I didn’t mentioned this to be a jerk but to say that despite his annoyance, Jordan welcomed him in the apartment, befriended him, cooked him dinner, invited him to church, and even took him to a Lakers’ game. Basically, Jordan wasn’t just a nerd who studied all the time (although he is definitely a nerd who studies all the time). He cares about people and loves them with the love of Christ.

Let’s see how this story measures up with my formula. Is it a story unique only to Jordan and I? Check. Does it reveal the substances of our friendship (grad-students living for Christ)? Check. Does it reveal the contents of Jordan’s character to the audience? Check. I guarantee his wife’s parents were not thinking, “Wait a sec . . . are we really giving away our daughter to this jack@$$?” No, if anything, they felt even more confident in Jordan that he’ll take good care of their daughter by being a loving husband.

Personal Impact

The final element is the conclusion, which consists of how the groom personally impacted your life. At Aaron’s wedding, I mentioned all the times he spoke wisdom into my life and I highlighted the imprint it left. The wisdom and counsel he shared brought more self-awareness and an understanding of the circumstances surrounding whatever it was we were talking about. To this day I believe I am able to do that for other people and it's a direct result of having Aaron in my life. I feel like I have a part of all my friends inside my life. They help shape who I am, and not talking to them on a regular basis anymore doesn’t change that because the impact they had is everlasting. You can shape those three elements to your liking. But it’s important to have all three because it connects the audience to the groom through you.

Back to my friend Bryan for a minute. I mentioned that I ruthlessly mocked him for bombing Dom’s wedding speech. Even as I write this I almost feel badly about it . . . almost. Nearly seven years after that train-wreck of a wedding speech, Bryan received a shot at redemption in the form of speaking at my wedding (I had all my groomsmen say something). All my friends did great and I appreciated their contribution on the most important day of my life, particularly Bryan. He knew if he bombed this one I would be bagging on him when we’re in heaven with Jesus. He felt the pressure more than my other friends because I haven’t ruthlessly mocked anyone else for seven straight years. Despite the pressure, you know what he did? He used my formula without even knowing he was using my formula. He had a catchy introduction that got people laughing. He had a couple of short stories about his interaction with my mom when they would talk about me, a story unique to Bryan and I, which gave insight into the depths and substance of our friendship. There were times when the emotion of the moment appeared to be catching up to Bryan, but instead of attempting to talk through the raw emotion and sounding completely drunk and incoherent (like a certain sister-in-law of mine) he took a moment and patiently waited for the emotions to subside. Afterwards, he proceeded with the speech with great clarity. His timing, tenor, and tone were perfect. The transitions were smooth and he concluded the speech with how our friendship personally impacted his own life in a way that was meaningful and everlasting.

Of course I would never actually tell him any of this because I enjoy bagging on him so much. I have a reputation to keep. In short, the next time you are bestowed a great honor like being chosen as the best man of a wedding, take it seriously because if you don’t you’ll look like a jack@$$. And yes, I will be making fun of you.