Friends, Mothers, and MVPs

Kevin Durant’s MVP speech made my Mother’s Day blog this year pretty easy. I’ve watched it a few times and wept every time. Sure I might be an emotional sap but it really struck a chord with me on several different levels. But I’ll only talk about two.

First, KD talked about each and every teammate and gave specific examples on how they have positively influenced his life. There were times throughout the season, and even his entire career, which he felt discouraged, where he failed, where the odds were stacked against him. But he survived in no small part because of the community and teammates around him. Yes KD is the star on the team. And yes, he had the best 2013-2014 NBA season of any player including Lebron James. However, that does not imply he did it alone or by steer will power of self-strength and fortitude. Even though that particular narrative of a lone superstar “willing his team to victory” has become the staple by which elite players are judged by it’s also unreal. No one can win alone.

In the same way several people in my life, which I could give specific examples of, have helped me “win” this game called life. I need encouragement and affirmation just like anyone else. I also need wisdom when I’m trying to figure stuff out. I also need examples to watch and mimic in order to have epiphanies and “Oh, that’s how you do it” moments.

Second, and the most appropriate for this weekend, KD talked about his mother and gave her the most praise. He talked about how much she sacrificed, how much she motivated him while he was playing basketball as a kid, how she kept him off the streets, the nights she went hungry so that he wouldn’t, which ultimately led to this moment, “mom, you’re the real MVP.” The camera capturing Durant’s mother’s reaction while he was saying these things was priceless.



I kept thinking about my mom and all the same things she did for my sister and I. Sadly, I would never have the opportunity to express the immense gratitude like Durant did. I don’t know if she could still see me now. But if she could I believe she would have a similar reaction much like Durant’s mother. And as the years passes by I realize more and more my mother is the real MVP.

Happy Mother's Day.

Shooting Stuff & Bro Time

A while back Eric and PJ invited me to go shooting with them. I’ve wanted to do this for a while, so I couldn’t pass this up. I have daughters now, so I should start equipping myself with the skills needed to be a good father. Learning how to handle guns should be close to the top of the list for fathers with daughters. It was also an opportunity to get some “guy time” with my brothers-in-law since when the three of us are together we’re usually in the company of 27 screaming children. Atoms can’t even bond under those circumstances.

We got an early start on the day and went by to pick up the equipment (e.g., guns). As I watched my brothers-in-law loading the car, I thought they were getting ready to invade Iran. You probably know they’re former military dudes and know how to handle guns. I, however, handled a gun once about 10 years ago. Despite growing up in a bad part of East Los Angeles, I never got into guns. This really was a new experience for me. PJ went through all the safety procedures and proper gun etiquette before I even touched a gun. He even started breaking down the different types of guns we had and going over the year, make, and model like a used car salesmen. Could I tell you any of the information PJ shared with me? Of course not, I only remember the guns required bullets of some kind.

Eric, on the other hand, simply said, “Just throw the clay so we can start shooting.” Naturally, it took me a while to get the hang of it. I missed quite a few times at the beginning and began feeling less and less like a man. But once I got the hang of it and started hitting the clay I started to get fired up. There’s something affirming for a man when he obliterates inanimate objects. Women like to create things like Arts & Crafts, digital photo albums, and babies. Men bond over food (especially bacon), blowing stuff up, and doing dangerous things completely unsupervised. That’s just how it works.

After a few hours of shooting from several different guns at several different types of targets we cleaned everything up and headed to In-&-Out for some burgers. During this time, we got to talk about what’s going on with our lives without 27 screaming children climbing on top of each other. It was great. I cherish these few moments in life especially new experiences like shooting stuff with really big guns. I love my brothers-in-law. I totally have an intelligential, analytical, and systematic side much like PJ. There’s also a part of me like Eric which is the “shut up and just do it,” adventurous, no-nonsense, “jumping out of planes” side, except for the part about jumping out of planes because I’m afraid of heights. But if I weren’t afraid of heights . . . uh . . . I probably still wouldn’t jump out of planes. The point being is that I connect with each of my brothers-in-law with different sides of my brain. I’m happy to be a part of the family, and I’m extremely happy they’re equipping me for fatherhood.

Grace Uncovered - Elder of Discipleship

The title "Grace" has a double meaning. First, it's the grace that Christ offers us for the salvation of our sins, "For by grace you have been saved and that not of yourselves, but it is a gift from God . . ." (Eph 2:8). The second meaning is my church Grace EV Free La Mirada (and Fullerton). I've been so blessed by my church and I believe the Lord has placed me there for a reason. No, the church is not perfect. It's filled with bitter, immature, dysfunctional people in dysfunctional families. However, despite that, I've met some of the most remarkable people, people whose faith in the Lord dwarf my own. My understanding of the purpose and function of Christ's bride, the church, has increased greatly by the example of these people. I thought to myself "Why wait for an outstanding man like Geoff Dykstra to die of cancer in order to pay respect to them." That's why I titled this series "Grace Uncovered" in order to uncover some of the most faithful and remarkable people I've met and share a bit of their story. I hope this series is well received.

In the future I hope to share with you more of my experiences being a part of this wonderfully imperfect church.

Jerrel Haugen has been an elder of our church for several years now. I even had the privilege of taking a class with him at Talbot. Jerrel works as the central plant operator at Biola University while doing ministry at our church. I love that most of our elders have “tent making” jobs. It really enhances their ability to minister to people because they haven’t forgotten the challenges of the “real world.” Jerrel has now officially been hired to be the Elder of Discipleship. That is a fitting title for a man who has been doing discipleship for years. I just wanted to highlight a few personal experiences I’ve had with Jerrel.

ELDER FOR GRACE GROUP SHEPHERDS

We have Grace Groups at our church. Other churches may call them Life Groups, Home Bible Studies, etc. It’s basically a small group of people from our church with co-leaders facilitating sermon discussion, fostering relationships, and making sure we meet the needs of individuals in the group. But there are times when the Grace Group leaders have questions and need help in knowing how to do those things I just mentioned well. That’s when Jerrel comes in. He meets with us, checks in on how we’re doing, and comes along side us through difficult situations we may run into. Jerrel makes you feel supported and cared for, and I’ve been a benefactor of his care many times.

ELDER PANEL

Before attending Grace EV Free La Mirada, I had always been at churches that heavily emphasized the senior pastor model where one dude basically calls all the shots. For a long time, I thought that’s how churches were supposed to function. Apparently there are other ways to structure church government. Who knew! An alternative structure from the senior pastor model is the plurality of elder(s) model (which Grace holds to).

One Sunday service, our elders had a panel where they answered questions from the congregation. During the session, Jerrel gave one of the many reasons for adopting this model, namely, to avoid the “personality cult” and “to protect the congregation from ourselves.” I’ll never forget that answer. What Jerrel meant was when there is only one person leading, the church tends to take on the personality of said person. What’s important to that one person becomes what’s important to the entire church. You tend to only get his hobbyhorses. So when he wears Hawaiian shirts, EV-ERY-ONE wears Hawaiian shirts. Hebrews 13:7 says, "Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith" (emphasis added). It says to "imitate their faith" not their style.

Upon further reflection, it’s absolutely liberating that I don’t have to be like the senior pastor in order to connect with people at church. I can just be myself. Jerrel empowers me to do just that. There isn’t any one person’s personality for the church to attach herself to. Since there isn’t any one person to attach yourself to, you can be yourself. What a novel idea! Where do I sign?

ONE-ON-ONE(S)

We’ve had coffee a couple of times and I’ve felt extremely blessed from his wisdom and encouragement. Where does he find the time? He has a job and family like all of us. I don't take the time spent with older and wiser men lightly.

In short, I’m extremely glad that the church has hired him and has given him more freedom to do what he’s been already been doing, namely pointing us to Christ as uses the gifts God has given him to minister to us.

Joelle’s Eye Surgery

Our 19-month-old needed corrective eye surgery because her eye crossed a bit. When we first heard the news, naturally, my wife and I were nervous for our baby. The doctor reassured us that it was a routine procedure and that he’s done it a thousand times on children. He also explained that if Joelle doesn’t have this corrective surgery, it could lead to further problems down the road.

It was less than a week from AJ’s birth and Joelle’s surgery was scheduled for early in the morning. My wife’s sister, Becky, and her parents were nice enough to come along that day. Joelle was blissfully unaware of what we were doing there. Once the nurses called us in and started walking us towards the preparation section, my heart rate increased like I just took a triple shot red eye from Starbucks. I thought to myself, “Sh** just got real.” The nurses were great. They were accommodating, extremely nice, and patient with Joelle as she rampaged through the facilities.

The anesthesiologist came by to give her some medication in order to calm her down. I thought to myself, “If this works I’m totally asking to take some home with me.” Unfortunately, the medication had an adverse affect on Joelle. Instead of calming her down it made her more agitated. She was getting drowsy but angry as well. It was a drunken baby rampage. This of course made both my wife and I even more nervous. My wife was already losing it emotionally, so I couldn’t possibly lose it either. One of us had to hold it together. Then it was time to put the hospital gown on her. It was dark green and had bears and balloons on it. I thought she would like it. Boy was I wrong.

Once we slipped it on her she looked down at it and started dropping baby F-bombs and completely lost it. Who knew 19-month-olds are fashionably aware? The nurses were flexible enough to take it off her. I mean, who could stand a drugged up, hungry 19-month-old screaming baby profanities at you? Finally the operating room was ready for her and they carried her off screaming baby F-bombs and all. Naturally, my wife got a little emotional so I tried my best to comfort her and reminded her we just needed to trust the Lord.

My wife, her sister Becky, and her parents went to take AJ to her grandparents to care for her there since they were so close by. I picked out a spot in the waiting room, sprawled out with my book, and pretended that I was in my own living room. I even had the person next to me say, “You look way too comfortable.” I smiled at her and said, “Well, if no one else is going to use these chairs . . . “

A couple of hours passed by and the doctor came out to give me an update on Joelle’s status. He said the surgery was almost done and that she was doing fine. I was relieved. He was going to allow me to go see her in a matter of minutes. I texted my wife the update and immediately she started heading over to the hospital. A nurse escorted me back toward the operating room and they brought Joelle out. She was screaming and still had her IV (Intravenous Therapy) in. I asked if they could remove it but they said it needed to be in for a while longer. Joelle’s eyes were swollen and blood shot. She hadn’t eaten or drank anything all day, so I wasn’t surprised to find her in a bad mood. I’m sure the anesthesia that she had been under didn’t help. I calmly wrapped Joelle in a blank and held her while caressing her head. She was able to stay calm for a while. My wife arrived shortly afterwards and we took turns holding her.

One Asian nurse with a thick accent said to me, “You know you remind me of my son.” I replied, “Really? How so?” She said, “You’re so calm just like he is. Nothing seems to trouble you.” Ha! If she only knew what was going on inside me. I just told her “Thanks,” and started thinking about my mom, wishing she were here. It certainly was a parental experience.

In short, Joelle’s surgery went well. We had a post-op appointment the next day and scheduled another one in six weeks. There’s a chance she may need another one but we’re praying that she won’t. It’s been about a week since the surgery and her eyes look better. She’s a little trooper. Thank you for all of you who prayed for her safety.

Labor Night

Didn’t we just do this? Well, that’s what it felt like when we were headed to the hospital for induction. It felt like we were resetting the clock after only 18 months. Joelle is on a schedule and sleeps through the night. She’s also hit all of her milestones and comprehends far more than I realize. Now, here comes Alaina Joy? We’re going to have to go through all the sleepless nights and schedule setting all over again, with the addition of a toddler to compete for attention on top of it?

Sweet!

Anyway, we could talk about that stuff later. Right now, here’s a running account of the night of induction. Our little angel number 2 was taking her sweet time, being 9 days overdue. Maybe she knew once she was born, I would start the clock – 18 years old and they’re out! My wife wasn’t feeling much of anything in the way of contractions. So induction was the plan. Why not? We had to induce with Joelle and everything turned out fine. It was scheduled for Sunday night at 11:30. We arrived at the hospital on time and had the induction started by midnight or so. AJ came at about 6:30am Monday morning, about 6.5 hours total. I was asleep for about 5.5 hours. Before you start thinking I’m a slacker just know that the couch in the room I was sleeping on was extremely uncomfortable. So it was 5.5 hours of restless sleep. Why can’t they have nicer places for the husband to sleep in labor rooms? I mean there wouldn’t even be labor rooms if it weren’t for men.

Also, I knew the induction could take a few hours anyway. At least that’s what I heard the doctor saying when I was half-asleep. There was no point in BOTH of us staying awake. As the “Labor Coach,” I was going to need all my strength to yell, “PUSH!” (I’m not sure why they call us “Labor Coaches” anyway. It’s not like we know what we’re doing. Outside of yelling, “PUSH!” what tactics am I really giving my wife? Don’t coaches usually know what they are coaching? Well, unless you’re Mike D’Antoni of course.)

The doctors woke me up at about 6am and said, “It’s almost time.” Naturally, since I was just waking up, it took a moment to figure out what they meant. “Oh right! My wife is having a baby.” My wife’s goal was to have a “natural birth.” I think every woman wants a natural birth, at least until the pain starts. Since Joelle’s labor process was so long, my wife decided to go ahead with getting an epidural. This time around, however, she decided against it and almost immediately regretted the decision.

Now my wife is one of the most gracious, loving, and composed individuals I’ve ever met. All of those things went completely out the window once labor started.

Me: PUSH!
My wife: Shut up!
Me: PUSH!
My wife: SHUT UP!
Me: But honey, you have to push!
My wife: I said, “SHUT UP!!!”
Me: Hey, I thought we co-signed on this.
My wife: (throwing things)
Me: . . .
Nurse: Don't worry. She's suppose to be mean to you right now.
Me: (Thinking: I guess that's sort of comforting.)

(Katie: I never told Jr to shut up during hard labor. There was on moment in the night when Jr was helping me through contractions in which he teasingly yelled “push.” When the contraction was over, I looked at him and jokingly told him to “shut up.” In true Jr fashion, this single expression said once in jest has now become his tag line for the night. ☺ )

This is the part where I start praying the baby comes quickly and not for my wife’s sake but for my own. There were other things yelled from the top of her lungs said that I won’t repeat here. Let’s just say I saw a side of my wife I’ve never seen before.

(Katie: While I will admit to yelling to get through the pain, nothing that was said was inappropriate for little ears.)

Once AJ was out, the joy (and relief) filled our hearts. This time around, I felt more comfortable handling her. I enjoy being a father. I never thought that would be true and it’s certainly not because it’s easy. Cuddling AJ late into the night while my wife finally got a chance to rest was both difficult and wonderful. Alas, these moments seem to always intertwine elation with sorrow. My life is given a greater sense of purpose because of our new little angel. It’s also a sorrowful reminder that my mother wasn’t here to witness it. My mom prayed fervently that the Lord would provide a godly wife for her son. She would not live to see her prayers answered. My mom never told me her thoughts about me potentially being a father. I would’ve liked to know her thoughts. Interestingly, during this whole process, my thoughts turned to my biological father for a time. I wondered how a man could so easily turn his back to his family when I would gladly die for mine. I strive to not be like him while at the same time try and be like my mother.

(Katie: Jr has indeed become a wonderful father. It was a joy the first time around to see him embrace his new role with Joelle, even when many of the baby care routines were foreign to him. This time, it has been so special to see how much more comfortable he has become in caring for our girls. He knows when and how to step in and help, and there is nothing sweeter than seeing them cradled in his arms. His role as a father to our family is a constant reminder of God’s ability to heal and redeem the brokenness of our world.)

This past week has been crazy. In the midst of it all I have experienced an outpouring of love by my friends, family, Grace Group, and co-workers. I’m overwhelmed by God’s goodness poured out on my family through our community. It’s truly a blessing to be a part of it.

Bizarro Valentine’s Day

It’s been well documented how much I love my wife. She’s an amazing woman with too many qualities to count. But I’ve never pointed out any of her flaws. I mean, why would I ever do such a thing? Since Valentine’s Day is around the corner and my baby is due at any moment, I thought I would write a bizarro blog about my wife before I can’t write anything at all due to the fact we’ll have two screaming children. Besides, since I went through this already for our anniversary the world needs to know everything isn't perfect.

Country Music

When I was first interested in my wife back when we were attending college, I noticed she was a big country music fan. I thought to myself, “That shouldn’t be a surprise because all white girls like country, right?” So I overlooked that flaw. She knew I hated country music, but I don’t think she knew to what degree. She’s been great with not listening to it with me around. However, there are times when I use her car that the radio is set to a country music station. For those few seconds between realizing what I am listening to and turning the radio off by ramming my fist through it like Bruce Lee ramming his fist through people, I am exposed. Every time that happens, I feel like I have to be quarantined.

DVR Too Full

There are times I go to the TV to record a basketball game or an episode of The Walking Dead but either the DVR is too full or there are other shows being recorded. Normally, I wouldn’t mind if they were good shows. However, when I look up what’s on the DVR there’s about 100 episode of Chopped, Say ‘Yes’ to The Dress, and Biggest Loser.

(Katie excerpt: I frequently text my wife in the middle of the day to ask her to record a basketball game for me on the DVR. Not once has she ever denied this request for lack of space. The games are always waiting for me when I get home. Even more amazing, when there was a conflict between shows to be recorded two nights ago, my wife very sweetly offered to give up her recording space so that I could watch what I had planned. That’s true love.)

Chopped

I actually liked this show, at first. Then after watching several episodes I realized it was basically the same thing over and over. The cooks get stressed out because they’re running out of time and the judges tell them what’s good and bad about their particular dishes. The judges are also persuaded to keep or chop certain chef’s because of their character and/or story, although they won’t admit it. If the cook is a jerk the judges get more critical with their work. We see right through them. It’s a wonder why more chefs don’t catch on to this. Anyway, it just got tiresome watching other people eat. How do I know if the judges are right unless I try the food myself? I don’t see the need to record every episode when every episode is the same.

(Katie excerpt: Of course, every time my wife watches this show and the competition involves a big slab of red meat, I must admit that, once again, I find myself drawn to the competition.)

Say ‘Yes’ to The Dress

This has to be the first show in human history to make the balls of a man shrink by merely watching the intro. An entire show picking out a wedding dress?

(Shaking my head)

(Katie excerpt: Thankfully, my wife understands this and has NEVER subjected me to watching the show. I also have to admit that I have had the movie “Aliens” on the DVR for months, now, and my wife has yet to delete it- even though I have subjected her to the nonsense of it multiple times. Again, true love.)

Biggest Loser

Okay, this show is actually inspiring. It’s nice to see fat people decide they don’t want to be fat anymore and do something about it. You see their everyday lives improving in very practical ways, like being able to bend down and put their socks on.

Of course, there can’t be a show with healthy people who have always lived a healthy life. I mean that’s pretty boring. People want drama and dramatic changes. I even thought about gaining 300 pounds in order to get on the show so I could win some money. Then I calculated the cost it would take for me to gain that much weight and decided it really wouldn’t be worth it. Bummer. I was looking forward to binge eating at Cheesecake Factory.

In short, I love my wife. She brings so much joy into my life, I nearly weep when I think about it. But I really wish she would kick these annoying habits. However, I am well aware that if she were to write a blog about my flaws, my guess is that it would be a lot longer.

(Katie excerpt: And yet, I know that she loves me just as much as I love her!)

When your wife is the editor excerpts on blogs like this happens.

Baby Prep #2

When my wife and I decided to start having kids, we thought it would be a good idea to time the birth for the summer and after the NBA Finals. Okay the last part was my idea. Since we both teach we’d be off of work and wouldn’t have to deal with taking time off. Having the child after the NBA Finals was just an added bonus for me. Besides, I wanted to give my wife and new child undivided attention and how could I do that with the Finals going on?

You could read about The Birth of Joelle here.

With baby #2, we decided we weren’t going to time anything and just “let nature take its’ course.” One of the changes in philosophy is that I wanted the kids to be close together, not so much because they would grow up together and be close but rather because I wanted them out of the house faster. Our second little girl is due in the next couple of week, and it’s in the midst of a really busy work schedule. Maybe waiting another four months wouldn’t have been a bad idea, but it’s not like we can go back and change things now. The staff at my school knows baby #2 is right around the corner and knows I might just split and leave my students hanging if #2 decides it’s time to introduce herself to the world.

It was pretty easy to prepare for a baby over the summer. I just needed my blanket and a bag of junk food. Once those things were ready, we just had to wait patiently. This time around, it could happen when I’m at work, which freaks me out a little. Mid-February is right around the NBA trade deadline, and I don’t want to get behind on work. Truthfully, all those things will have to be set aside because the most important thing is my family. Honestly, what frightens me is our world changing because we’ll have not one but TWO babies. How will Joelle react to not being the big banana? How will my wife deal with having two kids to take care of and working from home as well? How am I going to accomplish what I want to accomplish AND give all my girls the love, care and attention that they need?

There are so many questions. But you know what? I don’t need the answers (not right now anyway). That’s the beauty of life. You just need to enjoy the ride. I’ll figure out those questions (and even questions I have yet to ask) with my wife, my community of family, friends, and pastors and ultimately the Lord, who will grant me wisdom, as I need it. As I reflect more about having another little girl, I’m excited to shower another person made in the image of God with love and care- the love and care neither my mother nor my sister received growing up. As you may already know, my biological father wasn’t around when I was growing up. I’ve had to deal with that my whole life. But with Christ’s strength I have the confidence in knowing I won’t turn out like him. By the grace of God I have an opportunity to redeem my bloodline and that opportunity excites me even though it will cost me two weddings, many sleepless nights, and diligent gun training to fend off unworthy boys. Whatever challenges are ahead I’m up for it, as long as they’re not during the NBA playoffs.

For more blogs like this read: Girl Power

The Dark Night

The Child Rises