Why Do Men Want Sons?

Why Do Men Want Sons?

It’s simple really. We want company of our own gender, to share male camaraderie, do yard work together or go play ball together. Some men want to replicate the relationship they had with their own fathers (e.g., go to ball games, fishing, etc) and some want to build a close relationship they never had with their dads. I would be the latter.

I’ve said before that I’ve often wondered what it would’ve been like if I had a caring father growing up. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so angry, maybe I would’ve learned how to deal with my emotions better, maybe I would’ve learned the lessons I’ve learned sooner and would’ve been better off today. Well, I actually get to see a glimpse of that in my son. I know my son will have his own identity and his own interests. But he will also have a faithful father. The crazy part is that I have no idea what’s it like to have a loving and caring biological father, someone who will be firm and kind and not just cruel and demanding. The prospect to be someone I needed when I was a child to my own son is a cherished opportunity.

There is always the risk of vicarious living through your child, especially between a father and son. It’s a natural desire to want to have common interest with your child in order to have a point of connection, but it gets unhealthy when the child feels things are forced on them. I joke around about my son not having a choice with playing basketball. Truthfully, I really hope he loves basketball. It’s the best sport in the world in my opinion. I imagine taking him to Laker games and teaching the history of the team and all the legends from years past. But if he’s not interested, it’s not the end of the world (at least that’s what I keep telling myself). If anything else, I have an excuse to play with toys again.

What is important is that he has a personal relationship with the Lord. Although my wife and I will influence him in that regard there’s no guarantee he will come to know the Lord. That’s my worst fear. But I take comfort in the fact that the Lord will love him far more than I could.

Mental Preparation

My New Testament Greek professor told us on the first day of class that if you know something is hard up front you will be better mentally prepared for it. And yes, Greek was hard. My wife has done an amazing job as a mother to our two girls. Throwing a son into the mix, with half of my DNA, will probably be pretty volatile. Raising a son will be hard. So here’s a running list of things I’m already preparing for mentally:

• Getting pee in the face when I change his diaper
• My son hitting me in the balls for no reason
• Our food bill tripling as he gets older
• Breaking everything in his path because he thinks it’s fun
• Constantly injuring himself because he can’t understand why he can’t fly
• Being too rough with his sisters
• His teacher telling me he can’t stay still, focus, or complete a task because he has too much energy
• Trying to make him understand that smoking pot isn’t good for him
• Getting a call in the middle of the night needing to get bailed out of jail

This list is a few things from the top of my head. My fragile mind can only take so much. I’m sure they’ll be other things that come up. But part of the wonder of parenthood is figuring it all out as you go.

Carrying on the Family Name

I never gave much thought about my name other than the fact that no one knows how to pronounce it. When I realized I may never have a son and my name would come to an end when my daughters married some idiot, it didn’t really matter to me because it was my father’s name. He wasn’t the most outstanding citizen so who cares about his name ending. Now that I’m about to have a son, it’s made me rethink that premise. How many times does one have the opportunity to completely change their family tree? It’s already started.

• My father was lazy and never wanted to work and lost all his money gambling.

• He was never there physically or emotionally. When we look back at old family photos he was visibly absent.

• I don’t have very many memories of him. I do have one vivid memory but I won’t write it here. Sorry, it’s hard to even write it down.

• We went through an extremely stressful time with my stepfather. He was much worse if you could believe that. I kept thinking, “If my father was here we wouldn’t be going through this.”

It took my heavenly Father to firmly break me of my pride, anger, and bitterness and kindly reveal His will for adopting me as His son and lavish me with His grace in order to change me and gain proper perspective on everything that’s happened. All the negative stuff that’s happened in my life has been used to drive me to be better at everything I do. I don’t use it as a license to walk around with a chip on my shoulder, but I use it as a reminder to avoid the path of my forefathers and forge a new legacy as God’s adopted son. So my son will have the same name as my father but an entirely new meaning. That’s the beauty of redemption. God can take anything and make it new.

I hope to be a vessel of God’s grace to my son. I pray my son will receive God’s grace and that grace will forever give him hope, meaning, and purpose that drives him to godliness in a way I could not when I was young.

It's A Boy!

Finally! I’m having a boy!!! Yes, I admit both times I found out I was having a girl I was a little disappointed. Of course, over a period of time I learned to love my girls and now wouldn’t trade them for anything. When my wife told me she was pregnant for the third time I went through my regular routine of denial, “Are you sure?” and then acceptance, “Okay. That’s cool.” I skipped anger, bargaining, and depression because I’m too lazy to go through too long of a process.

After having two girls and genuinely enjoying them and learning to love them well, I came to a place of contentment and became completely satisfied with the fact that I may never have a son. It was a process for sure, but I got there. In fact, I was ready to endure the endless jokes from friends and family about having several weddings to pay for and not being able to retire when I wanted. Hey, if God wanted me to raise nothing but girls then I’d try and be the best father to a bunch of girls and hope they’d end up dating and marrying some godly guy with Division I talent (think Stephen Curry).

Now the day came when my wife surprised me with a gift on the Lakers season opener. It was a bag with baby clothes in it. At first, I pulled out the shoes and didn’t understand why she would get me a pair of baby shoes. But then she asked me to look in the bag further. I did so and found a baby shirt that said, “Baby Brother.” I was so overcome with emotion I might’ve wept a little (or a lot but you’ll never know because you’ll never see the video).

Yes. I’m an emotional sap. I’m even more so now that I’m having a son. I was watching The Lion King the other day and got emotional. It wasn’t even the part where Mufasa died (Although that part gets me every time. Oh sorry, Spoiler Alert!). It was the part after Mufasa rescued young Simba from the Hyenas and had to lecture him. Mufasa was firm and showed the gravity of the situation, “You deliberately disobeyed me! … And Nala could’ve been hurt!” And being the wise father Mufasa was, he saw the flaw in Simba’s thinking, “I just wanted to be brave.” And corrected his thinking, “No son, that’s not being brave” while still affirming his love for Simba, “I was afraid of losing you.” It’s an amazing scene. Let’s break it down further:

• Defining clear roles: “I am your father and you are my son, … you need to obey me.”
• There are consequences to your actions: “You and Nala could’ve been hurt.”
• Correcting a child’s thinking and clearly defining terms and ideas: “I wanted to be brave like you.” “Bravery doesn’t mean you go looking for trouble.”
• Yet, not completely destroying his son’s morale but affirming a father’s love by being vulnerable: “I was afraid of losing you.” How many fathers are willing to show vulnerability to their sons in order to affirm their love for them?

That’s pretty good stuff for an animated feature. I guess that’s why it’s a classic. It’s a great father/son exchange that gets me emotionally all the time because, as a parent, it’s not easy to have proper balance between firmness and affirmation and this scene does it beautifully (having James Earl Jones’ majestic voice doesn’t hurt).

I hope to provide this for my son, and my other kids as well, just without the whole “dying in a stampede” thing.

Biola University - More Than Just An Education

I was feature in biolablogs.com You could go to the link or read it here:

It’s been over 10 years since I finished my undergraduate studies at Biola (2003) and nearly 10 years since I finished my graduate work at Talbot (2006). I knew I wanted a strong Christian education and believed Biola would be the place I could receive that. What I didn’t know was how that Christian education would ultimately impact my life and how a place like Biola gave me much more.

It’s much like thinking about getting married or having a child. You have vague notions of what that might be like but when you experience it first hand, it exceeds your expectations and leaves a transformative effect that affects your entire perspective on life. You might be saying, “That’s a little dramatic for a mere college education.” Let me tell you the rest of my story.

I graduated with a bachelor in Biblical Studies and two MA(s), one in New Testament and one in Old Testament. Currently, I am in my ninth year as a special education teacher in the Norwalk-La Mirada Unified School District and in my fourth year as a Financial Consultant for Capital Choice Financial. I get asked all the time, “Why aren’t you using your degrees?” which usually means, “Why are you not in some type of ministry?” because of all my bible degrees. My reply is, “I use it everyday.” So I’m not in ministry as a profession. But I never intended to be. Getting my education at Biola gave me broader vision on how to impact the world for Christ. Being a Special Education teacher, most of my students have learning disabilities and it’s the understanding of the doctrine of humanity and that we are all created in the image of God that helps me view them with patience, care, and compassion. As a financial consultant, I view money the way it was intended to be used by God’s design. I help clients lower their debt, increase their assets, and become generous givers to their local churches. This is all possible with my biblically centered education I received from Biola.

What does any of this have to do with starting a family? Well some background would help. I grew up in a broken home. My mom was a single mother working long hours in order for my sister and I to survive and have an opportunity for a better life. I had very little Christian influence and even less role models. The impact on my life wasn’t merely the biblically centered education but the godly men and women who taught and lived by examples of how our knowledge should be applied in our everyday lives in how we treat people. Without those examples, I’m sure the education itself wouldn’t have quite the impact.