Holiday Cheer? 2007

Original Post: Dec 31, 2007

As I said before, I was looking forward to the holidays. Now that it’s coming to an end I’m not sure if I had a good one. First of all, having my holidays for the first time without my mom was extremely difficult. Now to add to that, my older sister is suing me over my mom’s estate and I got my heart broken for the umpteenth time by the same girl (Note: I’m thinking about writing on this even though I said that I wouldn’t write any more heartbreaks. Maybe I’ll call it Heartbreak 1b. Whatever I call it, it should be interesting. Refer to Heartbreak #1). 

I guess these holidays (2007) haven’t brought a lot of cheer in my life. I even went to go watch the new Alien vs. Predator movie on Christmas night knowing that it was going to be awful. And yes, it was extremely awful! There was nothing else better to do. Now that’s pretty depressing! 

So I’m sitting down getting ready to see how bad this movie is going to be and decided to strike up a conversation with the fat guy to my right. Fat guys are usually talkative and most of the time pretty interesting. I don’t know why that is, maybe it’s just a “fat guy” thing. That’s probably why I have so much fun with my friend Bryan throughout the years because he keeps gaining weight. 

After talking with the fat guy about how much we think this movie is going to stink (never a good sign before watching a movie when you and the people around know that it’s going to suck. I was just hoping that it wouldn’t suck too much – sorry it sucked pretty bad) this couple sits down next to me on my left. The boyfriend looked upset and uncomfortable for some reason. His girl kept saying, “Honey, we don’t have to be here we could leave if you want,” “Would you like me to get you something?” “Do you want to switch seats?” “Honey you just look really uncomfortable is there anything I could do?” This girl was being very accommodating and sweet for her man and I felt like saying to him, “Dude! What the hell is wrong with you! It’s Christmas night and your girlfriend is with you watching ALIEN VS. PREDATOR! What the hell do you have to complain about?” 

I would have said that but the fat guy started up another conversation about a Tiger getting loose from a zoo in San Jose, killing one person and seriously injuring two others. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to impersonate the Tiger and his whole thought process. Tiger: “Man! I could use a midnight snack right now.  Hey, the zookeeper left the gate open. I always wanted to see what the hell this zoo looked like from outside this cage. Oh look my midnight snack walking right to me that’s convenient. That’s just like room service.” Or I could have went with the badass Tiger: “The man can’t keep me down! No steel bars can hold my soul! I’m outta here!” It’s probably a good thing the fat guy distracted me because I would have slapped the other guy for being a punk to his girlfriend. It’s still a wonder to me why the toolbags get the girls. 

To make my holidays even more cheerful, my car needed $732.18 of repairs in order to pass smog. Sweet! Of course I started thinking about all the things I could have done with that money. Here’s a running list of the first few things that popped into my head: 

• A weekend in Las Vegas
• An iphone 
• A flat screen TV for my step-dad
• 24 plates of grilled salmon at Parker’s Lighthouse in Long Beach 
• 40 plates of prime rib at Hungry Bear in Fullerton 
• 12 dinners with someone at Cheesecake Factory 
• 37 new CDs – which comes out to about 450 songs 
• Floor seats to a Lakers game 
• 20 good commentaries 
• 80 bad commentaries 
• 16 gallons of gas 
• About a week in Portland to visit my nieces and nephew Dillon 
• 7 pairs of new Jordan shoes 
• 18 pairs of Jordan shorts 

• 185 grande white mochas (just for kicks I should go into Starbucks and go ahead and say, “I would like 185 grande white mochas please” and just see their reaction) 

• 73 movies that are not Alien vs. Predator (who am I kidding, I’m still going to watch the third one when it comes out, and yes it’s going to be awful) 

• A membership to a good gym and not the run down Bally’s in Montebello that looks like a gym for convicts. 

• A suit that I should probably already have 
• 146 jars of extra crunchy peanut butter 
• 2 speeding tickets 
• Pursuing one girl for about a month 
• Remodel my bathroom (if I do the work myself) 
• Shampoo the carpet of the entire house 7 times 
• Get my teeth cleaned 11 times 
• New headers for my car 
• 24 tickets to The All-American Rejects concert 
• A 732 chance out of 23,000,000 to hit the lotto
• About 5 ipods 
• 2 Disneyland season passes 
• and 2 turtledoves and a partridge in a pear tree! 

And those are just the things I thought of from the top of my head. Could you imagine if I sat down and gave this some thought? Anyone of those would have been a sweet Christmas gift, well, maybe not the speeding tickets but everything else on the list. 

After watching my Lakers get destroyed by the Celtics, my pastor calls me to make sure I’m okay because he knows what I’m going through. It’s not healthy to isolate yourself too much. Everyone needs alone time but there’s a difference between alone time and isolation. I think he knew that I was hitting isolation and he wanted to make sure that I go to our church’s New Year’s Eve party. Well, anytime I hear “church” and “party” in the same sentence I always think “awful.” Since when does a church know how to throw a party? 

The word “party” has a negative connotation for me. I always think of raves, drugs, and drinking. So what happens when a church throws a party? I’m not sure but I guess I’ll find out tonight. It starts at 6pm, I said to myself, “Six hours at the church? What in the world are we going to do all that time?” My pastor reminded me that people wait a lot longer in New York in the freezing cold to watch that stupid ball drop in Time Square. I guess I’m in for the “church party.” It can’t be any worst than Alien vs. Predator. We’ll see how it goes. 

In all seriousness, I truly want to pray in the New Year and worship God with my life. Dispute the difficulties I’m going through and how at times I feel inches away from walking away from my faith I know that it is only Jesus who has the words of eternal life. There will be times that we have very little left in our soul to carry any hope. When hope itself has become a burden to carry. I feel hopeless, angry, and bitter with the situation I have found myself in at times. I'm doing all that I can to honor God but it seems that it's not enough. I just want to yell at the top of my lungs, “WHAT THE EFF DO YOU WANT FROM ME, LORD!!” Is it too much to ask for a normal life?? I feel like Maximus (Russell Crowe) in Gladiator after he killed about six or seven dudes on his own in the ring and then started yelling at the crowd, “Are you not entertained!?” “Isn't this why you were here!?” Then throwing one sword in the stands and dropping one on the floor and spiting in complete disgust.

Does God somehow fine what I'm going through entertaining?? My theology says ‘NO!’ And that God is good and that’s the rock I stand on. If my older sister wins the suit I could lose my home. If I told you that wasn’t a terrifying prospect hanging over my head like a dark cloud I’d be lying to you. However, as Walter Wink reminds us, “To worship is to remember Who owns the house.” That’s right, it’s God that owns the house! I want to be at a place where Job said, “Though He slay me, yet I will trust Him” (Job 13:15a). I’m not there yet but worshipping in the New Year with the people of God when I want to isolate myself instead is good start. 

Mom's Eulogy

Original Post: Nov 10, 2007 

It could be argued that the greatest tragedy one could face is losing a spouse or a child. But I’ve seen people remarried and have other children. I have friends in both camps. Not to minimize those circumstances but how do you replace a mother’s love? You don’t because you can’t.

On October 30th of the year 2007, my mom went into the presence of God. She is now better off but the world is slightly dimmer. 

There are times in my personal Christianity where the barrier between the present world, the world of our senses, and the next world of eternality seem thick. Sometimes it is failed expectations, my personal sin, or times where everything seems spiritually dry and stagnate. During these times God seems so distant and estranged. 

Then there are other times where God’s presences never felt more real. Something happens that makes the wall of this present world and eternality seem inches apart, “and the things of earth grow strangely dim.” This is one of those times for me. I have never experience so much pain and peace, so much sorrow and joy, being extremely disheartened and yet abounding in hope. The pain of losing my mom so suddenly but the peace in knowing that she is with Jesus, the sorrow in missing my mom and her support but the joy in knowing that I will see her again, extremely disheartened because I wish I could have been a better son but hopeful knowing that she would want me to be okay and continue to serve the Lord and I will honor her in doing just that. 

My mom was one of the most exceptional persons I’ve ever known. She had an amazing love for the Lord Jesus and it manifested in her flourishing joy, plentiful giving, and a deep concern for those who do not know Jesus as their Savior to hear the gospel. Now, she is safe in heaven forever, beyond the reach of sorrow, sin, and Satan. She is happy because she is now with the Lord that she so deeply loves. 

It’s always difficult during these times to have a balance of honoring the person that has passed as well as honoring the Lord. In these next couple of stories that gives us a glimpse into my mother’s character it is not my intention to exalt a person over the Lord but to exalt my mother because of the Lord and the work that He has done in her life. No doubt that I could fill books of wonderful stories of my mom and her amazing life but because of time I will only give a couple. 

First, it was when I was a small child and I had trouble sleeping. My mom held me in her arms and started to rub my head until I would fall asleep. But before I fell asleep she started tell me how much I meant to her and how she would do anything for me to let me know how much she loves me. Most parents would say this to their child but the reason why this time meant so much to me is because it was the first time I remember crying from being deeply touched instead of getting spanked. 

Second is of course when she first came to Christ. She had thought her son went crazy when he became a Christian. He was always reading his bible and going to church and working for free. But after some time she realized that God is real for it was only through Him that her son could change so dramatically from being the hotheaded, defiant, teenaged-punk to the clam, obedient, young man of God. 

Although her faith in Christ started with her son, it by no means ended there. She owned her own faith and started serving Christ by loving people and sharing the gospel at every opportunity. She gave recklessly and without reservation, expecting nothing in return. The source of her joy was seeing people come to know Christ as their personal Savior and serving Him well. 

Even though I was a Christian longer than my mom there is still the weight of responsibility of continuing her legacy. But that weight and responsibility comes with it deeper meaning in life and a greater sense of purpose. I summarize the life of this women with the words of Jesus to the apostle Peter, “For whoever wishes to save his life will lost it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it” (Matt. 16:25). Mom lost her life in serving Christ and therefore she found it. 

I love you mom. Thank you for exalting and enjoying Christ. Your generosity will never be forgotten. Your joy will always be marveled. Your excitement for life will always be a source of encouragement. It was an honor to have you as a mother and I find it an honor to continue your legacy in loving Christ and His people well. The blessing is ours. I will see you again and we both will enjoy the presences of our heavenly Father together.