Why Do Men Want Sons?

Why Do Men Want Sons?

It’s simple really. We want company of our own gender, to share male camaraderie, do yard work together or go play ball together. Some men want to replicate the relationship they had with their own fathers (e.g., go to ball games, fishing, etc) and some want to build a close relationship they never had with their dads. I would be the latter.

I’ve said before that I’ve often wondered what it would’ve been like if I had a caring father growing up. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so angry, maybe I would’ve learned how to deal with my emotions better, maybe I would’ve learned the lessons I’ve learned sooner and would’ve been better off today. Well, I actually get to see a glimpse of that in my son. I know my son will have his own identity and his own interests. But he will also have a faithful father. The crazy part is that I have no idea what’s it like to have a loving and caring biological father, someone who will be firm and kind and not just cruel and demanding. The prospect to be someone I needed when I was a child to my own son is a cherished opportunity.

There is always the risk of vicarious living through your child, especially between a father and son. It’s a natural desire to want to have common interest with your child in order to have a point of connection, but it gets unhealthy when the child feels things are forced on them. I joke around about my son not having a choice with playing basketball. Truthfully, I really hope he loves basketball. It’s the best sport in the world in my opinion. I imagine taking him to Laker games and teaching the history of the team and all the legends from years past. But if he’s not interested, it’s not the end of the world (at least that’s what I keep telling myself). If anything else, I have an excuse to play with toys again.

What is important is that he has a personal relationship with the Lord. Although my wife and I will influence him in that regard there’s no guarantee he will come to know the Lord. That’s my worst fear. But I take comfort in the fact that the Lord will love him far more than I could.

Mental Preparation

My New Testament Greek professor told us on the first day of class that if you know something is hard up front you will be better mentally prepared for it. And yes, Greek was hard. My wife has done an amazing job as a mother to our two girls. Throwing a son into the mix, with half of my DNA, will probably be pretty volatile. Raising a son will be hard. So here’s a running list of things I’m already preparing for mentally:

• Getting pee in the face when I change his diaper
• My son hitting me in the balls for no reason
• Our food bill tripling as he gets older
• Breaking everything in his path because he thinks it’s fun
• Constantly injuring himself because he can’t understand why he can’t fly
• Being too rough with his sisters
• His teacher telling me he can’t stay still, focus, or complete a task because he has too much energy
• Trying to make him understand that smoking pot isn’t good for him
• Getting a call in the middle of the night needing to get bailed out of jail

This list is a few things from the top of my head. My fragile mind can only take so much. I’m sure they’ll be other things that come up. But part of the wonder of parenthood is figuring it all out as you go.

Carrying on the Family Name

I never gave much thought about my name other than the fact that no one knows how to pronounce it. When I realized I may never have a son and my name would come to an end when my daughters married some idiot, it didn’t really matter to me because it was my father’s name. He wasn’t the most outstanding citizen so who cares about his name ending. Now that I’m about to have a son, it’s made me rethink that premise. How many times does one have the opportunity to completely change their family tree? It’s already started.

• My father was lazy and never wanted to work and lost all his money gambling.

• He was never there physically or emotionally. When we look back at old family photos he was visibly absent.

• I don’t have very many memories of him. I do have one vivid memory but I won’t write it here. Sorry, it’s hard to even write it down.

• We went through an extremely stressful time with my stepfather. He was much worse if you could believe that. I kept thinking, “If my father was here we wouldn’t be going through this.”

It took my heavenly Father to firmly break me of my pride, anger, and bitterness and kindly reveal His will for adopting me as His son and lavish me with His grace in order to change me and gain proper perspective on everything that’s happened. All the negative stuff that’s happened in my life has been used to drive me to be better at everything I do. I don’t use it as a license to walk around with a chip on my shoulder, but I use it as a reminder to avoid the path of my forefathers and forge a new legacy as God’s adopted son. So my son will have the same name as my father but an entirely new meaning. That’s the beauty of redemption. God can take anything and make it new.

I hope to be a vessel of God’s grace to my son. I pray my son will receive God’s grace and that grace will forever give him hope, meaning, and purpose that drives him to godliness in a way I could not when I was young.

It's A Boy!

Finally! I’m having a boy!!! Yes, I admit both times I found out I was having a girl I was a little disappointed. Of course, over a period of time I learned to love my girls and now wouldn’t trade them for anything. When my wife told me she was pregnant for the third time I went through my regular routine of denial, “Are you sure?” and then acceptance, “Okay. That’s cool.” I skipped anger, bargaining, and depression because I’m too lazy to go through too long of a process.

After having two girls and genuinely enjoying them and learning to love them well, I came to a place of contentment and became completely satisfied with the fact that I may never have a son. It was a process for sure, but I got there. In fact, I was ready to endure the endless jokes from friends and family about having several weddings to pay for and not being able to retire when I wanted. Hey, if God wanted me to raise nothing but girls then I’d try and be the best father to a bunch of girls and hope they’d end up dating and marrying some godly guy with Division I talent (think Stephen Curry).

Now the day came when my wife surprised me with a gift on the Lakers season opener. It was a bag with baby clothes in it. At first, I pulled out the shoes and didn’t understand why she would get me a pair of baby shoes. But then she asked me to look in the bag further. I did so and found a baby shirt that said, “Baby Brother.” I was so overcome with emotion I might’ve wept a little (or a lot but you’ll never know because you’ll never see the video).

Yes. I’m an emotional sap. I’m even more so now that I’m having a son. I was watching The Lion King the other day and got emotional. It wasn’t even the part where Mufasa died (Although that part gets me every time. Oh sorry, Spoiler Alert!). It was the part after Mufasa rescued young Simba from the Hyenas and had to lecture him. Mufasa was firm and showed the gravity of the situation, “You deliberately disobeyed me! … And Nala could’ve been hurt!” And being the wise father Mufasa was, he saw the flaw in Simba’s thinking, “I just wanted to be brave.” And corrected his thinking, “No son, that’s not being brave” while still affirming his love for Simba, “I was afraid of losing you.” It’s an amazing scene. Let’s break it down further:

• Defining clear roles: “I am your father and you are my son, … you need to obey me.”
• There are consequences to your actions: “You and Nala could’ve been hurt.”
• Correcting a child’s thinking and clearly defining terms and ideas: “I wanted to be brave like you.” “Bravery doesn’t mean you go looking for trouble.”
• Yet, not completely destroying his son’s morale but affirming a father’s love by being vulnerable: “I was afraid of losing you.” How many fathers are willing to show vulnerability to their sons in order to affirm their love for them?

That’s pretty good stuff for an animated feature. I guess that’s why it’s a classic. It’s a great father/son exchange that gets me emotionally all the time because, as a parent, it’s not easy to have proper balance between firmness and affirmation and this scene does it beautifully (having James Earl Jones’ majestic voice doesn’t hurt).

I hope to provide this for my son, and my other kids as well, just without the whole “dying in a stampede” thing.

Biola University - More Than Just An Education

I was feature in biolablogs.com You could go to the link or read it here:

It’s been over 10 years since I finished my undergraduate studies at Biola (2003) and nearly 10 years since I finished my graduate work at Talbot (2006). I knew I wanted a strong Christian education and believed Biola would be the place I could receive that. What I didn’t know was how that Christian education would ultimately impact my life and how a place like Biola gave me much more.

It’s much like thinking about getting married or having a child. You have vague notions of what that might be like but when you experience it first hand, it exceeds your expectations and leaves a transformative effect that affects your entire perspective on life. You might be saying, “That’s a little dramatic for a mere college education.” Let me tell you the rest of my story.

I graduated with a bachelor in Biblical Studies and two MA(s), one in New Testament and one in Old Testament. Currently, I am in my ninth year as a special education teacher in the Norwalk-La Mirada Unified School District and in my fourth year as a Financial Consultant for Capital Choice Financial. I get asked all the time, “Why aren’t you using your degrees?” which usually means, “Why are you not in some type of ministry?” because of all my bible degrees. My reply is, “I use it everyday.” So I’m not in ministry as a profession. But I never intended to be. Getting my education at Biola gave me broader vision on how to impact the world for Christ. Being a Special Education teacher, most of my students have learning disabilities and it’s the understanding of the doctrine of humanity and that we are all created in the image of God that helps me view them with patience, care, and compassion. As a financial consultant, I view money the way it was intended to be used by God’s design. I help clients lower their debt, increase their assets, and become generous givers to their local churches. This is all possible with my biblically centered education I received from Biola.

What does any of this have to do with starting a family? Well some background would help. I grew up in a broken home. My mom was a single mother working long hours in order for my sister and I to survive and have an opportunity for a better life. I had very little Christian influence and even less role models. The impact on my life wasn’t merely the biblically centered education but the godly men and women who taught and lived by examples of how our knowledge should be applied in our everyday lives in how we treat people. Without those examples, I’m sure the education itself wouldn’t have quite the impact.

Disneyland, Parenting, and the Grace of God

My wife and I live about twenty minutes away from “The happiest place on earth”- Disneyland. I’m not sure who coined that phrase for Disneyland, but it’s great marketing. People actually believe paying an equivalent of a month’s mortgage after parking, tickets, food, and merchandise while waiting in lines for as long as it takes to learn a foreign language for rides as short as a middle school student’s attention span is indeed “The happiest place on earth.”

Aside from all the negatives, Disneyland can be a pretty fun place. I guess that’s why they’re still in business. About a year ago, my wife and I went on a date and spent the day hanging out and enjoying several rides. It was a great day simply enjoying each other. So the other day we decided to take our three-year-old for her first trip to Disneyland. It was an entirely different experience. Since we had our little one, we couldn’t get on most of the rides because of her lack of size. Initially you would think this was disappointing, and to some degree it was because getting on “It’s a small world” is like watching someone fly-fishing while listening to a high school valedictorian speech at a graduation ceremony. At least the ride is air-conditioned and if you can block out the annoying song you can sneak in a power nap.

Despite all that my wife and I had childlike anticipation throughout the day wondering how our little three-year-old would take things in. As we walked about and saw our little girl look around in complete amazement and marvel realizing she’s entered into a completely different world, where some of her favorite imaginary characters come to life and displays of fictional worlds are real, we couldn’t help but feel the same sense of joy and excitement. It didn’t really matter to us that we couldn’t get on some of our favorite rides because watching our child filled with wonder and awe is an experience to behold as a parent.

She went talking about it for days and asking when she could go back to “Busyland,” an appropriate name she made up herself. Parenting is hard. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. There has been plenty of frustration and anger displayed in inappropriate ways on my part. In those moments of frustration I’ve often thought about how much easier life was before children and all the advantages, both freedom and income, that come with it. It’s easy to think about what is causing the frustration in your life and want it removed. But there lies the problem. My children are not the cause of my frustrations but they reveal the selfishness already within me. Parenting has exposed me to how sinful and selfish I truly am.

It’s also made me more grateful for God’s mercy and has created a greater awareness of my need for His grace. I’ve failed many times as a father, but the Lord isn’t done with me. And days like our daughter’s first trip to Disneyland are a reminder to me how much the Lord loves me. I found so much joy in the joy of my child. This is how God views me. He finds joy in my joy, but the difference is, He is completely holy, full of light and without darkness. He loves me with a pure love, a love that Christ displayed on the cross by taking on God’s wrath in my place and giving me His righteousness. My heavenly Father is slow to anger and has everlasting patience.

My children are His gifts to me and a reminder that He is patient and His love endures forever. I’ll always remember this day as a father. But I’ll also remember this day as His son.

A Tribute to Dr. Talley's Service at Grace - A Real Hero

When I first arrived at Biola University as a junior transfer student back in 2001, I was damaged goods. I'd been through a lot. I was hurt and dealing with several issues including bitterness, anger, and resentment. The path I was headed towards was a destructive one. I knew I needed help.

Dr. Talley is a Bible professor at Biola University. From the moment I arrived on campus he took an interest in my life. We got to know each other through campus activities, classes, and having lunch together. He was always concerned with the state of my soul and how much time I was spending reading God's word. During our talks he would help me walk through some of the most difficult things I ever had to deal with. Dr. Talley always showed grace and compassion through my failures. He also showed great wisdom as I came to him with questions ranging from topics like Old Testament Theology and church government to basketball and "Why are women weird?" What I found truly amazing was his understanding. We both come from extremely different backgrounds. Dr. Talley loves his Alabama roots. His outdoor rugged "I'd rather be hunting than in an office" exterior is well balanced with his pastoral care and keen interest in lives very different from his own. His constant direction and always pointing me to Jesus was what I need to combat the floodgates of emotions I was dealing with at the time.

Strangely, I don't feel sadness that he is now stepping down as a pastor at Grace EV Free La Mirada. He's still a Bible professor at Biola and will continue to attend Grace as a member. The reason I don't feel a sense of sadness is because I feel this is the right decision for him. During graduate school, Dr. Talley was still meeting with me on a regular basis along with two of my roommates (Jordan Wessling and Chris Hunt). I remember when the three of us would get together and compare notes about our meetings with Dr. Talley. One time, Jordan told us, "I love Dr. Talley but I would never want his life." What he meant was the amount of time Dr. Talley would work and spend time investing in the lives of young men. There's a tipping point in everyone's life when you can only go so hard for so long without your body, mind, and spirit eventually breaking down. I hope this is a time of rejuvenation for both him and his family.

Today, the knucklehead undergraduate dealing with a host of issues while at Biola is now a faithful husband, loving father, leading a Grace Group (home bible study), leading a Financial Peace University class at church in order to help people with their finances. The Lord has done a work in my life and Dr. Talley had a big hand in that. And that's all Dr. Talley is ever really concerned with, namely, the Lord's work in the lives of His people (that and fishing, hunting, and Alabama football).

I enjoy seeing him every Sunday and him smiling at me saying things like, "Wow. Look at Junior chasing his kids around!" with the satisfaction of a father watching his child grow up before his eyes. It's been years since I've graduated from Biola but he still takes my phone calls, and now that he finally has text message, he texts me back too. As much as he's poured into my life, it's inspired me to do the same for others.

Yes. These are the types of people I attend church with. What a great time to be alive and be in fellowship with God's people.

Camping – The Poor Man’s Vacation

So my wife’s side of the family wants to go camping this summer and my wife wants to take the kids and the dog. “It will be fun,” she says. Now I never understood the concept of camping. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that outdoor recreation can be fun and getting away from the city and spending some time in “God’s country” can be refreshing. But is it worth the risk? If you’re asking, “What risk?” I’m talking about the risk of bear attacks. If you’ve already read my tangent about sharks I basically follow the same logic. It’s not the low percentage of encountering a bear that frightens me but that there is ANY percentage to begin with. Who really wants to hit the “Bear Lotto?” Furthermore, the drive is going to take about six hours. SIX HOURS! That's a lot of trouble just to get eaten by a bear.

My ancestors HAD to camp. But with the advent of “The House” it seems silly to trade in protective walls, running water, and a sturdy roof for a tent that could be taken down by one swipe of a bear claw. Not to mention trading in a nice soft bed for a sleeping bag that amounts to being a human soft taco to bears. Now that’s major regression. We don’t seek to build cars that are slower and less fuel-efficient. So why seek to do that with our living situation? I guess you could argue it’s only temporary and a change of scenery every now and again is good for you.

My wife went and ordered a tent online because we didn’t have one of our own. My initial thought was, “We’re going to pay for a tent that we’re probably only going to use once every few years, which will also take up space in the garage.” Wonderful. But once the tent arrived and my wife set it up in the backyard just to see if it worked properly, the kids had an absolute blast playing in the tent. The excitement and the utter glee expressed on their little faces was a site to see. Becoming a parent is nuts. When your children experience new and exciting things, you experience the same excitement with them.

Okay. Maybe camping could be fun and build some wonderful memories with our family. But just like every Jurassic Park movie, it always starts out with excitement and awe but ends with running and screaming. Let’s hope this camping trip doesn’t follow the same script.

Galeophobia & Kauai 2015

So my wife and I forgot to adjust our W-2(s) after we had children and received more on our tax return than expected. Apparently, having children has some nice tax breaks. I immediately thought, “After tithing, we could use it towards paying off debt and fund some of our investments!” My wife shot down that plan and said, “We are going on vacation.” (Katie: Jr suggested the idea of a vacation several months ago when he realized we had the same Spring Break. However, somehow it turned into “my idea” when we actually had to fund it.) I didn’t put up much of a fight because, you know, my wife takes care of our children, works from home, and cooks all the meals. So for me to not agree to taking her on a vacation would be marriage suicide. (Katie: Actually, marital suicide is going on vacation with your wife and then speaking about it afterwards as if it was a “burden” and “sacrifice” for you. )

She wanted to go to Kauai and it was so. (Katie: I offered up lots of ideas, including a short trip to a local spot. Jr endorsed Kauai. Again, “my idea” when we have to pay, I guess…) Sure, why not? I enjoyed myself there last time. I even enjoy snorkeling despite the fact that I’m petrified of sharks. Speaking of being completely petrified of sharks, I often get mocked for my Galeophobia. Almost without fail, I get the “It’s irrational fear” speech and people began to give me statistics about how it’s more likely to “insert-the-blank” than it is to run into a shark. My favorite is “You’re more likely to get into a car accident than run into a shark” argument. In all the car accidents I’ve been in, whether major or minor, I don’t recall the sensation of several rolls of razor sharp teeth ripping me to shreds while being submerged under water. It’s like nobody has ever seen Jaws before. (Katie: Jr referenced four movies on our trip- Jaws, Anaconda, Jurassic Park, and Predator. I think someone needs to recommend a movie with a bear mauling to prepare him for our July camping trip.)

The “low chances” argument never encouraged me. It was the fact that there are ANY chances at all. What if I hit the “shark lotto” like these people? If you don’t play (get in the water), you don’t “win” (get eaten by a shark). But, I wasn’t about to let my Galeophobia completely ruin my vacation. Instead, while snorkeling, I followed a very clear set of guidelines that I have developed:

• Never be the farthest guy out. While I’m snorkeling, I check from time to time to see who the farthest person(s) is out in the water. Sometimes, it’s easy to get caught up in the beauty of the ocean and forget that turning into shark chow is a real possibility. So, make sure you occasionally look up and check your positioning. You don’t want to be the shark bait furthest out. (Katie: I will admit to wondering if I am included in this “buffer zone” of shark bait that Jr. ensures for himself.)

• Don’t swim in mildly murky water. Visibility is important. The whole point of snorkeling is to be able to see things, right? But why would I put “mildly murky?” The reason is people still snorkel when they can see enough interesting things. This is where mildly murky water is dangerous. You can swim and still see a few feet in front of you, but you can’t spot a shark until it’s too late. So I only snorkel in clear waters.

• Swim with fat people. I know this doesn’t sound nice, but there’s really no time to be politically correct when a 7,000 pound great white is chasing you. It’s every man for himself. It’s also more likely that a hungry shark will take a bite out of someone with more “sustenance.”

So those are some of the general rules I follow while snorkeling, and I currently have all my limbs to speak of. And yes, snorkeling in Kauai was fun (although Maui is better).

One evening, though, my wife and I were relaxing in the hotel and I was watching the local news. It turns out they had just closed a beach due to a shark sighting ... THE SAME BEACH WHERE WE WERE SNORKELING!!! (Katie: Actually, it was ONE of the beaches along the 3 mile wide bay that we were on… The beach we snorkeled at was located at the exact opposite end of the bay, surrounded by a coral reef sticking up so far out of the water that a turtle was sunning himself on it the entire time.) So what if it was 3 miles wide. Do you know how fast sharks can swim when they smell Thai blood? Everyone likes Thai food why would sharks be any different? I guess my fear isn’t so “irrational” after all. Yes, that was my last day of snorkeling (and probably ever again).

As far as for the rest of our vacation:

Once I decided to NOT get back in the water again (You could only tempt fate so often before it bites you in the @$$ and in this case it would be literal) we caught some sights and enjoyed some gorgeous views.

We started on the South side of the island got some good snorkeling in (before the shark sighting) and even saw a couple of seals and a sea turtle. I couldn't get a picture of the sea turtle because, you know, I was in the water but you guys know what sea turtles look like. Truthfully, that was probably worth the trip. SWIMMING WITH SEA TURTLES!!! I could cross that off the buckle list, you know, if I had a bucket list.

Here are some more views on the South side of the island.

After a couple of nights we traveled to the North side of the island.

This was the entry way to our room at the hotel.

This was the pool at the hotel. I just kept thinking about our little Joelle swimming in the kiddie pool. That's the funny thing about coming a parent. There are times you need a break from the children to focus on your marriage but when you get away all you do is think about your kids. Then you get home and can't wait to leave again.

There was a patio area with this view overlooking the beach. Katie and I spend a couple of hours just reading books while occasionally looking up and just thinking, "Wow."

Katie wanted to go hiking. Truth be told, I really don't like hiking unless there's an amazing view involved or some kind of payoff like a lake with a waterfall or something. Otherwise, walking uphill on a dirt and bumpy path isn't really my thing. The photo above is the beginning of the trail. It totally reminded me of this scene from Predator.

We went a couple of miles up and this was the view. Yes, that was worth the hike. For the rest of our trip it was basically like driving our in Jurassic Park without the dinosaurs trying to eat you. Some times when you're blessed with the opportunity to get away with your wife you need to take it. It's a different kind of investment. I'm glad my wife made me do this because, you know, going on vacation could be scary some times. And with that, I'll leave you the original trailer of the 1993 Jurassic Park: